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lilolil, (((hugs)))
I read your post and I get so angry (as a bmom) when I hear that our kids have been told they "ruined" our lives. My bson made my life. What I did, or how I chose to deal with my pregnancy and placement, were my decisions - only I am responsible for my life and the path I chose afterwards, good and bad. My God, how can anyone else be responsible for the decisions and the life I chose to lead?!
It is so easy for us to lay blame at someone else's door and, if they, like you, are compassionate and caring, they will accept the blame and it somehow makes us feel better and, as you have realized, them feel worse. You can't "own" your bmom's problems. I know, easier said than done. I am so sorry that you've had to deal with all of this and I can't offer any advice other than to protect your heart and as someone once said to me, even if they say the love you, if all they bring to your life is pain, it isn't worth their love.
As for getting back to who you are, well, we can't go home again but we can decide where we want to go and who we want to be with. I've never been a fan of counselling, betrayed one to many times. For me, I had a long hard cry and then I sat down and took a long hard look at my life. I have a great job (great money, but, like you not what I saw myself doing). Unfortunately, with 2 kids in university I can't quit so I'm taking courses part time so I eventually can change careers. It's hard to change but it is harder to stay angry and feel lousy about myself too.
I am on the other side however, bmom not adoptee, so I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and I don't feel comfortable trying to offer advice other than, take the time to figure out what you want, who you want to be part of your life and don't feel badly if that means some people, including your bmom, aren't it's your choice - even if they aren't communicating with you at the moment. If they choose to cut you out of their lives - it's their loss, not yours. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but don't let their hang-ups ruin your life. Like your amom - what people say and what is the truth are sometimes very different. I've found that arguing only fuels the fire. State your case, i.e. I'm not going to continue to participate in these petty arguments, and then leave it be. We can't control what others say or do - just how we react. I have had to cut my parents out of my life for the time being because their games and condescending talk were making me feel worse about myself so I said NO MORE. It seems to be working and they are "getting it".
I hope you can do so as well and realize that you need to decide what you want. Is there an underlying medical condition (depression) that should be treated (I was diagnosed but managed to overcome without meds). Also, a question to ask yourself - do I want to change and more importantly, am I ready. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make the decision to change.
Sorry for the long post, I think you're on your way in that you recognize things have to be different - life's too short to always be angry and sad. I wish you all the best and if you want to, feel free to PM me.
Kate
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