[Stormster]

Reading your post I'm wondering why the need to qualify "better off" at all? If one looks at the trajectory of your DD's life isn't it ALL part and parcel of the journey?

I don't believe any kind of title or deed has been transferred. She is always "a daughter". Rather, I think it is more accurate to say that your life, as a parent has been altered. What kind of parent am I having been assigned this wonderful responsibility?

If I may, I wonder if your guilt is making you feel like you need to make the comparison to justify the pain you feel YOU may have caused DD's birthmother. You have not caused the pain and I'm sure you know that on some levels but it can be hard to make peace with adoption sometimes, esp. in open adoptions where we SEE the pain the adoption has caused the birthmother.

And then the fear about the pain it may cause DD in the future, no wonder we cling to the notion that we "saved" them somehow or greatly improved their potential for a good life.

The truth is, there are as many different situations as there are kids who are placed. I'm happy your DD's birthmother is doing well but she did sign a TPR and you are a parent now. Period. Good for you for participating in an OA and dealing with all the feelings you are having but I just think it's not necessary to justify anything to yourself.

I believe that OA is about HER relationship with her birthmother and you need to step back and do the business of mothering without comparing yourself to anyone else. You are awesome. She sounds awesome too! And thank goodness she is doing well! But you're Mom.

PS I used to get very jealous that E's birthmother was his REAL mother and I was sloppy seconds but now I don't even consider that! Right now I'm the only one who remotely can be considered a Mom to him. If his birthmother got her life together and wanted to be more part of it I don't know how I'd feel but I hope I'd take my own advice! And btw participating in OA which enriches our children's self esteem (even when it can be a bit of a pain in the butt) is the ultimate good parenting and something you should be even MORE proud of! Now THAT is something not everyone can do!!!!