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Originally Posted by hkolln
Sometimes you have to set aside your anger and emotions for the kids...don't let the anger ruin your life or his life. He may want that connection to them later on. Step back from the situation and see it from his eyes..is what you are doing best for him OR is this something that is best for you? When it's time you'll know.
Our niece's previous foster grandma mailed her a card and letter back about a month after she moved here with us with a list of "Things I miss about you" which included stuff like, 'You yelling for your friends to come over to my house', 'you spending the night at my house', 'bike rides with you', etc...and it was long. I made the decision not to show that to her at that time because it would make her feel guilty for causing the fgrandma to grieve. I explained to them that as long as it's positive notes and calls and letters, etc...then we would be happy to pass them onto her. We understand they love her however they needed to have space to let her move forward into our family. I'm hoping this trip next week will be a postive one. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I've always been a positive person and avoid negativity...so I'm sure everything will be fine  |
Initially we were all planning to stay in touch. I hugged them both after court and told them they were the "hanai" aunty and uncle--that means not "real" relatives but relatives by love. I sent pictures, a letter. Their two phone calls were very inappropriate and upset him very much--the guilt thing you described, the intense I love you I miss you over and over.
The contact was not positive like you described the letter from fostergrandma. Lil guy got a letter like that from them along with
99 pictures from them. We threw away most of the pictures, sent back the letter and some of the pictures--it was all so inappropriate. That's when we cut off contact. We tried for four and a half months. We had asked for a few pictures for his life book.
Lil guy expressed anger that they tried to keep him and that he did not want to stay with them. Occasionally he would say something positive, so I know it wasn't an awful place. He just did not feel the connection they felt and it put pressure on him while he was there and they tried to keep up the pressure once he was with us.
When we went back to Florida he did not even mention them, but did mention the first foster family and asked to see them. (That was not possible as they literally threw him out of their home due to their marital difficulties.)
If there was any contact it would be me sending a newsy letter and perhaps a picture, with a clear statement that it was not an invitation to be in contact with lil guy.
The therapist and my counselor said it will not benefit him to be in touch with them. We thought about this a lot, and even the supervisor at the foster licensing agency said they were inappropriate and suggested that everyone just needs to move on.
Contact with them would be due to dh and I being kind. It would not be in lil guy's best interests for him to know about it. In future, if he is curious, it would be nice if the door had remained open. You are right about that.
I will continue to think about this--perhaps we'll exchange Christmas cards and send the general letter we send to all friends with perhaps a picture of lil guy.
thank you again, hkollen, I have learned so much from you. I hope you trip is a positive experience for everyone.