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Originally Posted by HthrRenee
I just heard from the girls' caseworker that a relative has come forward from out of state.  She is a licensed foster parent there and just finalized adoption for a two year old. When my caseworker mentioned that the girls are with a foster family who is more than willing to adopt, she said she didn't care they are family. While I find this admirable, I don't understand why she is so adament about the girls staying with family when no one bothered to do the same for the other three children the birth mother has lost custody to already. They don't currently have a relationship, but that is most likely due to distance and the birth mother's actions.
I have never felt such pain in my life. I love these two with all of my heart as does my family and friends. I know I've only had them a little less than two months, but I let them take over my heart completely. Sitting here listening to them laughing and playing with each other I don't know how I can live without them in my life. I'd be more than willing to maintain contact with family members not involved in drugs. How does one present this idea to someone on the other end? I am sure they love their nieces with all of their hearts, too. Would it be so horrible if they remained an aunt and someone else got to be their forever mom?
Since the family member is already a foster parent, how long do you think it will take before they move the girls?
Sorry this is so disjointed...I had to stop and feed them lunch. |
I am writing to you as I was the out-of-state relative. Our ason's foster parents had had him for a year. As you can appreciate, they were much attached and they claimed he had bonded to them. Unfortunately our ICPC took almost a year--it was so unfair to us, to the fparents and mostly to our ason.
As other posters have mentioned, the birthparents actions and lifestyle limited our contact with our (now) son, and limited contact with them. The infighting and family drama was horrific just to have us make the decision to come forward and offer our home to our young relative. Drug abuse and alcoholism and the rest of that dysfunctional lifestyle impact more than an immediate family/children--it spreads negative stuff to everyone, even the non-dysfunctional adult members.
It's possible that these little girls' aunty was fighting a battle similar to ours. Please don't interpret the timing or what happened to the siblings as her not caring--you don't know what is going on in her life. Give her credit for caring enough for young relatives that she will make a lifetime committment to keep them in their family.
Please look at the posts by adult adoptees. They may give you a new perspective. Please don't let your desire to have a family take precedence over the needs of these children.
Finally, you asked how quickly the girls might be placed with aunty. I'd think soon--it was our homestudy that took forever, and her's will likely just need updating for the ICPC (Interstate Compact for Placement of Children).
Continue to love and care for the girls, but look at them in the context of having a family that loves them. They didn't just get delivered to you by an angel--there was a wide circle of pain and agony that caused them to be taken into care. Placement with aunty may heal some of the pain that is in their future.
hkollen--I hear you. I think you must be a nicer person than I am--my dh and I finally just cut off contact with foster parents. They were so negative about us and so sure he was theirs, heart and soul. If their attitude had been different, they might even still have him. Their negative attitude caused us to get an attorney. Their lack of support for our ason to have contact with his bsister was a big factor also.
We went into the situation with an open mind--but over the year fparents had him, they were completey closed to any contact with us or birthsister despite urgings of sw and therapist.
Try contacting aunty--maybe you can build that bridge of communication.
Word of advice--do not imply you are a better placement, because in truth, you do not know that, especially since you've had them such a short time. Maybe aunty just needs reassurance the family won't lose all contact.