[Jackiejdajda]

I wrote
Some of us learn to ‘comply’ when we are children.. it’s how we matter..(its how I mattered) Its how we fit into the 'dynamics' of the family..<<<

That is so true. Jackie, my therapist called people like us "sin eaters"...the ones the family heaps all shame and blame onto.

Internalized shame.. I still to this day know I have places where she rules.. I basically ignore them now.. and tell myself.. you are being the result of your childhood..

I can see how in what happened to me I was a convenient target of that. With my huge belly and ten-thousand-yard-stare I must have been impossible to ignore.

My old sponsor would say.. “Like a deer caught in the headlights”..
Its so messed up.. A young woman expected to sort and deal and be and compensate and all the other things..
And you were just a young woman.. trying to live a life..

What you said about grieving going down the same road as alcoholism...the pushing away...the numbing out....I had never thought of it that way. That is interesting. The old cues of "this is not what I am" "I am in control of my grief". I should start a journal to myself on how that lie affected my choices because I'm sure it did.

A therapist said to me once.. “You have not grieved the loss of your baby.. your child.”
I had never thought of that.. My baby was not dead.. I had stopped at the first step.. I was in control.. ha..
I did not understand at the time the fact that we need to grieve a lot of things that happen in our lives.. Process the emotions.. cry.. rage.. accept..
It’s a process.. its not a thing that happens in one day..
And I know I have a real hard time finding my emotions.. I used everything I could to push the tears back.. and if I did cry.. if something did trigger me I would go and hide and not share it with anyone..
I can remember my mom using the term.. blubbering when I was a kid..
“She is blubbering again.”

What a word.. one must never do that blubbering..

I think that before we go into reunion.. we need to sort our feeling self.. as much as we can..
This because reunion is beyond difficult for some.. The issues come flooding back the triggers come to fore.. and we spiral into things we have not felt or thought for years..
If we have worked through some of it we have ways to tell ourselves that we can and need to stop the negative thinking or the bad thinking.. or the fantasy thinking.. and we need to get on firm ground and actually see what is really going down on terms of the relinquished son or daughter..

I quoted
>>>The line.. . Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside.

We take so much when we are codependent.. take such a lot on to ourselves..
My moms drinking got much worse after I gave my son up..<<<<<<

Jackie, it's strange but this really struck me. My mother got a lot harder after my babies. There were of course other things going on in the house but her ability (for lack of a better word) to turn her back on any and all pain just grew. Remembering my step-dad knocking my brother's head into a wall over and over and my mom just turning away to do the dishes. Awful memory.... It must be an even worse one for her. (P.S. By that time I was so beaten down and broken I didn't do anything it either. So sorry bro....)

But this is not your fault.. my moms drinking was not my fault..
That’s the thing about this.. this codependent stuff.. we take it on our selves..
Your childhood sounds terrible.. difficult.. and you gettng pregnant was you IMO bouncing around or running from what was impossible to live..

We do not have a healthy inner life.. we do not learn that the reason why your mom got cold and my mom drank.. worse.. was because they were not able to cope with their lives.. and it is not was not us..
And it was not my fault she drank and she does not have a hold on me.. because it was all my fault..

We are not them.. they are not us.. We have a right to separate from them..

I am wondering how much of my babies she took upon herself. I opened the door once through a letter in order to find out but the door remains closed so there is no real way to know.

Her words and deeds are not for you to sort.. Not yours to take on..
I know I am beautiful.. in many ways.. but I do not feel it.. I got something in my brain that cuts that out when I get feeling bad.. or exposed..
How you feel on terms of you giving the babies up and your moms reaction is something that needs to be looked at..
Your automatic thoughts..
Journaling.. yes..

I quoted…
>>>>internalized shame [i]is the essence of co-dependency. [i] My authentic self was hidden away for a long time.. but I learned.. <<<<<<

After the grief, after getting through that (no thanks to that frigging clock) that is what will be left for me to do isn't it?

And sorting that internalized shame is very very freeing..
Bradshaw wrote..(from memory).. I did not feel shame.. I was shame..

When you are shame.. I do not think we can find a way out.. When we feel shame we blush or something and then correct what went down or change our ways.. or take the cues.. etc..
But when we are shame.. it is part of our being.. it is who we are..

And the way out is talking about it.. therapy…. journaling.. reading the self help books.. Sharing on these boards and really looking for those moments when we understand.. and get it.. that what happened is wrong.. the scripts in our brains and hearts are false scripts..

I went back and shared with my therapist some of the things that happened to me when I was a kid and he forced me to look at the abuse and not make excuses for my parents and their poor parenting..

Jackie, I thought I'd graduated. What was I telling myself....I know better than this and have less excuse than a lot of people. And we both know that's true.

I have not graduated.. I still got an inability in me to understand that I am perfect just as I am..
I told that to my mom once..
She used to call me up and tell me all the things that were wrong with me..
And I would take it on.. and be sad/depressed for a while.. and my husband would say.. “Did your mom call?”
And I would live in terror of her calls..

Then I told her I was beautiful.. it was like jumping off of a cliff.. she sputtered..
"Bars open!" she would say..
But that was the time I actually told her..

My dad would tell me that if I disagreed with her.. he would have to suffer.. she would rage etc..
Get really drunk..

I had to do it.. for me.. sorry dad..

But still its in there.. I still feel like a failure on terms of her.. but I know its part of what is ingrained in me.. and I just let it go..

Jackie the beautiful