|
To Jackie
[quote=Jackiejdajda] Some of us learn to ‘comply’ when we are children.. it’s how we matter..(its how I mattered) Its how we fit into the 'dynamics' of the family..<<<
That is so true. Jackie, my therapist called people like us "sin eaters"...the ones the family heaps all shame and blame onto. I can see how in what happened to me I was a convenient target of that. With my huge belly and ten-thousand-yard-stare I must have been impossible to ignore.
What you said about grieving going down the same road as alcoholism...the pushing away...the numbing out....I had never thought of it that way. That is interesting. The old cues of "this is not what I am" "I am in control of my grief". I should start a journal to myself on how that lie affected my choices because I'm sure it did.
>>>The line.. . Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside.
We take so much when we are codependent.. take such a lot on to ourselves..
My moms drinking got much worse after I gave my son up..<<<<<<
Jackie, it's strange but this really struck me. My mother got a lot harder after my babies. There were of course other things going on in the house but her ability (for lack of a better word) to turn her back on any and all pain just grew. Remembering my step-dad knocking my brother's head into a wall over and over and my mom just turning away to do the dishes. Awful memory.... It must be an even worse one for her. (P.S. By that time I was so beaten down and broken I didn't do anything it either. So sorry bro....)
I am wondering how much of my babies she took upon herself. I opened the door once through a letter in order to find out but the door remains closed so there is no real way to know.
>>>>internalized shame is the essence of co-dependency.[/color] My authentic self was hidden away for a long time.. but I learned.. <<<<<<
After the grief, after getting through that (no thanks to that frigging clock) that is what will be left for me to do isn't it? Jackie, I thought I'd graduated. What was I telling myself....I know better than this and have less excuse than a lot of people. And we both know that's true.
By the way, you are beautiful! :-)
Thanks for having the courage to take a journey that would help others on the path,
Janey
|