[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

You wrote this remarkable line.....>>>>>trama like relinquishment<<<<<

I hadn't thought of it as trauma. I've thought of it as punishment and I know that stems from my family. See the number rule there is you trip but you get back up immediately and you don't ever acknowledge that anything tripped you to start with. That is how I've seen this....as a trip and a fall into disgrace. But it's one that can't be erased in the minds of my family. My poor babies are ghosts to them, reminder ghosts of the truth of our lives, what we all lived through. And that I think they won't forgive me for. They do not want to be reminded.

Some of us learn to ‘comply’ when we are children.. it’s how we matter..(its how I mattered) Its how we fit into the 'dynamics' of the family..

Co-dependency is the word used sometimes..

Here is John Bradshaws definition of Co-dependency in his book Homecoming.. page 8


I define co-dependence as a dis-ease characterized by a loss of identity. To be co-dependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.


page 9… same chapter.


Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems. For example, everyone in an alcoholic family becomes co-dependent on the alcoholics drinking. Because the drinking is so life-threatening to each family member, they adapt to becoming chronically alert (hypervigilant). Adaptation to stress is intended by nature to be a temporary state. It was never intended to be chronic. Over time, a person living with the chronic distress of alcoholic behavior loses touch with his own internal cues – his own feelings, needs, and desires..


Janey grieving for the two children you gave up.. is a way in..


Children need security and healthy modeling of emotions in order to understand their own inner signals. They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings. When the family environment is filled with violence (chemical, emotional, physical, or sexual), the child must focus solely on the outside. Over time he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is co-dependence, and it is a symptom of the wounded inner child. Co-dependent behavior indicates that the person’s childhood needs were unmet, and therefore he cannot know who he is..


The line.. . Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside.

We take so much when we are codependent.. take such a lot on to ourselves..
My moms drinking got much worse after I gave my son up.. and it was all my fault..and because it was all my fault she could call me up and say anything to me.. anything..
Cut me to the core and I would take it.. take it on and own it..
It’s a terrible way to live.. and there is a way out..


From another of Bradshaws books..
Healing the Shame that Binds You.. page 14


Shame as Co-dependency

Much has been written about co-dependency.. All agree that it is about the loss of selfhood. Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self validation lie on the outside. They can never be generated from within. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is a “state of dis-ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self….. of mattering…. of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”
There is no significant difference in that definition and the way I have described internalized shame. It is my belief that internalized shame is the essence of co-dependency.


These books and others is/was how I found my way out of my internalized shame.. and my inability to say no to my mom.. "NO! I am beautiful the way I am right now."
She did not think me beautiful.. You have seen the pictures of me in my profile.. I am beautiful.. I am a good person.. I am helpful.. I am..

That little girl in my inner child painting was afraid (one of the things I did in my search for self that painting).. she lived in a house that was sooo incredibly difficult to live in.. Dad drank mom got mad then she showed him how to really drink.. how to really act out..
My authentic self was hidden away for a long time.. but I learned..

I remember when I would read these self help books and post on boards.. and say.. "That’s me that’s me and that’s me again"..

But I had to turn around.. and start my own journey to self.. I had to actually do what was asked of me..
The inner child work.. the journaling till I had my ‘aha’ moments about me.. me..

Jackie