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Dear Kathy,
Hi. Yes I gave my babies up 30 years ago. It must be confusing for people in here. I'm afraid I sort of write piecemeal because I shoved this stuff so far down that it's coming back up in short bursts, unfortunately sort of like a machine gun...just sort of rat-a-tat-tat. Then I stand there crying.
And I am shocked at some of the things I'm writing. I have grown accustomed to thinking of myself as less than everyone else, less than my sisters and I'd grown accustomed to the silence of my own pain.
You wrote this remarkable line.....>>>>>trama like relinquishment<<<<<
I hadn't thought of it as trauma. I've thought of it as punishment and I know that stems from my family. See the number rule there is you trip but you get back up immediately and you don't ever acknowledge that anything tripped you to start with. That is how I've seen this....as a trip and a fall into disgrace. But it's one that can't be erased in the minds of my family. My poor babies are ghosts to them, reminder ghosts of the truth of our lives, what we all lived through. And that I think they won't forgive me for. They do not want to be reminded.
Everyone in here is teaching me a new terminology. This term "relinquish". I am trying to use it instead of "giving up". Relinquished my children...instead of gave them up. Somehow that is important.
Much peace to you,
Janey
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