I searched because I wanted to know where I came from. I wasn't really looking for a relationship, just a glimpse into my biological heritage. Also, for answers as to why I had been placed--though you hear all the time "she did it out of love", it is still difficult to believe that it's not because I was unlovable or unwanted. Come to find out, in my case, she very much DID want me, and did not choose to place--the state policy at that time was any child born to someone in the state hospital would be placed either in a relative placement or an adoptive placement.
I did not choose to pursue a relationship with my birthmother. One reason is because of her diagnosis of schizophrenia, but more than that (as evidenced by the fact that I have not kept up a relationship with my birthfather's siblings, who were ready to welcome me into the family) I was still dealing with severe attachment & trust issues, and just wasn't able to form the complicated relationships of adjusting to the new dynamics. However, I DID do extensive family history, even flying to New York to dig through archives to find information on my birthmother's father and his siblings, who had been raised in an orphanage. While I didn't find many answers, I did get a sense of my biological heritage, and for me that fulfilled my needs.
I'm also not a "fan" of adoption, frankly I consider it a necessary evil. Unfortunately, there are circumstances in this world that result in children without parents, and far too often the only rational solution to that is adoption. Because of this, I have supported efforts to find children adoptive families--but only after every other possible option has been exhausted.
I bristle when people tell me how "lucky" I am to be adopted. I am, without question, lucky to have a loving, supportive family (who happen to be my adoptive family), and I am lucky in the sense that this stability probably prevented me from having more severe mental health issues than I have now. However, I will NEVER consider myself lucky to have gone through the traumatic experience of being separated at birth from my biological heritage, betrayed by the "system", and left with intense feelings of abandonment, grief, and loss that I was never allowed to express because of societies expectations. I'm sorry, I just don't see how I am supposed to be THANKFUL for that.
OK, hopping off my soap box!