[carolynppk]

Why did I search. I never felt like if you give up a child you have no rights to them ever. Maybe it was because my mother was a social worker and always let me know that my bmother was very young and loved me so much that she put me above all else, even above what she may have wanted because she wanted to give me two prents and a chance, something a young 16 year old could not have given me (especially back in 1965). I have always felt love and respect for my bmother. I have never been angry or mad that she placed me.

I never wanted to search. I felt I didn't have the right to disrupt her life. After all she did for me and gave me, what right did I have to come into her life and say, "Hey, it's me!" She had probably married and had children of her own. She was so young when she had me, maybe she never told her husband or children about me.

Something after I had my last child, when I was 38 just hit me and it was so important to me to find her. I wanted her to know she did the right thing, that I was okay and that I was not angry or resentful about being placed. It was very important to me to let her know that. What if I had been the only child she ever had? I just had to let her know.

I don't know when being a part of her became so important. It just did. And while my mom was always my mom, nothing could ever change that-how do you erase all that history?-I was very drawn to Diane, because here was a piece of me that had been missing for 40 years. A piece of a puzzle that everyone else has and that many take for granted. The piece of where I ame from, what I am made up of, my history my chemistry.

It also changed my perspective. I had always thought anyone can have a baby, it takes so much more to be a mom. I didn't mean that in a mean way, it was just what I thought. After talking with my bmom, through my adoption agency, she kept saying she wasn't my mom, my amom was. Well, I know that!!! But for the first time I realized, through all the wonderful bmoms here, that she carried me for nine months, she took care of me at all costs, she made sure that I came before all else. Isn't that what a mom does, isn't that what a mom is? So while she is not the mom that raised me, she is not the mom that was there day in and day out through the good, the bad and the ugly. SHe is my mom, she is the mom that loved me enough to take care of me, give me life and give me up. SHe is my first mom. I will always love her for that.

Carolyn