[JustPeachy]

It sounds like you are putting in all the effort for a great OA and they are doing nothing but taking advantage of you and not even trying to make the effort at all. I would set some serious limits. You certainly don't have to be responsible for their choices in life. You've already adopted one child of theirs. Are you now supposed to step in and provide them with money for the second one they say they want to parent? Frankly, from what you describe, I don't see that they are even capable of parenting the new baby, as it seems like they are expecting you to just throw money at them without a real solid plan. They seem very entitlement minded and immature.

You've been very accommodating with your OA, are, in fact, this child's parent, and now she tells you you are not the mother and never will be? What is up with that? And what is with the threats of "watch your back"?? That would concern me, frankly, as it is an outright threat.

Personally, I think this is a more difficult situation because of the family tie. Still, I would talk with your husband, present a united front and set some serious limits, and perhaps refer them to a social worker who could help them with whatever they need to try to get on track (if they are even able to). I wouldn't do the work for them or even get involved so much. There is too much enmeshment as it is, it seems.

I don't think you are a witch for saying NO, as if you keep enabling them, they will keep taking advantage of you and will never grow up. I also don't think you should feel obligated to them. They are making poor choices it seems, and expecting you to come to the rescue. There is a fine line between wanting to help/being supportive and enabling. I think they have crossed the line into putting you in a position where you will end up continuing to enable them. Just MHO.

You asked "how much more will I have to take?" Answer: No more. Ann Landers once said "no one can take advantage of you without your permission." It is hard for a lot of people, especially women, to say no without feeling guilty, but if you don't wish to take any more of this, you will have to say no and mean it. They won't like it, of course, and will probably push back, but you must stick to your limits. Again, it will be helpful if you have your husband backing you up on this.

As far as if it will "ruin" your son if you don't have a great relationship with the bparents, how can you have a great relationship with people who won't allow a great relationship? They sound like users at this point and unless/until that changes, you really cannot have a healthy relationship with them. If it is all one sided on your end, you will be taken advantage of, treated like a doormat, have your health and well being negatively impacted, your parenting of this child compromised, etc. So you will be modeling for your son that it's A-OK to have people walk all over you just because they are related. He will grow up thinking, "my mom let my birthparents interfere, treat her like crap, and take advantage of my family, because they thought it would be best for me." Does that make sense? Let me ask you this: If the bdad was not related, would you find their behavior acceptable? Would you feel obligated to give, give, give and have them take, take, take? Somehow I don't think so. Now, I wouldn't badmouth the birthparents to your son, but neither would I continue to have them take advantage of me. Really, serious limits need to be set with serious consequences for abusive emails and threats.

Can I also ask how they are prepared for another baby if, just a short time ago, they attempted to parent and couldn't manage it? What has changed in the last year that they feel ready now for another child? Do they (and you) honestly think you giving the money for the bdad to go to school and her to stay home will work? Do you think they will succeed this time at parenting? And what if not?? Will they expect you to adopt this child too??? And then get pregnant again????