[missw005]

I am sitting here, crying.

I didn't tell many people about our match meeting today. I mentioned it in my post earlier this week, I know I shouldn't have.
I am sooooo leery of sharing my news as I'm afraid I'll jinx it. ANd I jinxed it.
Then I jinxed it more by buying baby boy clothes at a garage sale last Friday after school with a friend of mine. Told her I was buying them for future foster kids (I'm also a fp), but it was not true, I was really hoping it would be for my own future baby boy.
But NO.
I was one of 3 families being considered, and I was the 3rd choice.
I am so sick and tired of not being chosen, but being in the top 3 families! It's just not fair!!!!!
(crying really hard now, hope this makes sense)
This one was a surprise, I hadn't applied for him directly, but had a homestudy on file with his county. He was never put on the photolistings, and I was thrilled, because there would be less families in competition for him and I thought I'd have a fighting chance.
But NO.
He was a 5 mo. old baby AA boy.
He was my dream.
There aren't many babies available in the waiting child/special needs adoption from foster care.
I thought this was MY chance.
I thought I would finally have a baby!!!!!!!
But no! No. No. NO. NO!!!!!
Why aren't I being chosen? Why????
I have waited three years, THREE YEARS!!! And when this situation came up, I thought, this is why this has taken so long. This is why! Because I'll finally have my baby.
My baby who will call ME mama first. My baby I will feed in a highchair. My baby I will watch take his first steps.
My baby.
But NO!!!!!
(crying really hard now)
I am sooooooooooooo heartbroken. I can't believe I wasn't chosen again. I thought for sure it would be this time. I was thinking up names! I thought I could finally name one of my kids, the boys were too old when I got them to rename them.
I don't understand.
I just don't understand.
I'm a good person. I make mistakes, I'm not always the best parent, but I stick with my kids when no one else will.
I thought for sure this would be my baby!!!
Why, why, why, why, why?????????
I can't afford infant fees at an agency. This was my only chance.
I can't believe I wasn't chosen again.
And I have no one to talk to except you all because my friends are sick of hearing about it. Sick of me being not chosen and me being heartbroken about it. I rarely even tell them anymore when I have a possibility or a match meeting.
I feel so alone.

I can't believe my dream is gone.

Sandy