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Is it possible that he would consider if he knew he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore? For some people that is a great motivator because they hate having to pay. From what you say about him, it is possible he might go for it if it were presented as a relief for him. He has minimal contact now and to take away the burden of child support, etc., he could consider self-TPR. On the other hand, he might just want to keep it, just for the control issue.
I know this doesn't help the kids right now, but once they turn 18, they can be adopted. I have a friend who did this with his step-daughter. It was her 18th birthday present that she had been waiting for, for 6 years.
In reality you can call yourself any name you want and use the legal name when it's called for. You might not be able to change the kid's last name on their school records, but a good sit-down with the school officals should allow the children to use the new last name, especially when it comes clear that the use of the old name leads to emotional abuse again for the children.
I would highly reccommend talking to an attorney that knows about this type of situation. It might be possible to TPR if he were found to be a threat to the children and the fact that you have to somewhat hide from him. The two agencies denying him a place for visitation is good thing.
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