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You are probably really hurting, and you clearly do care about this little girl a lot.
However, "this woman" is the little girl's grandma. There are many different ways to view her stepping up now, and whether it would be in the best interest of the child to go with her or not, many of those ways absolutely do not have to be negative. She isn't jumping up just because she suddenly decided that she wanted to grow her already-grown family with a little one and have the pleasure of raising another child in her older years. She isn't "threatening" you or the child out of any kind of malice...at least, it is less than likely--if there were that kind of misplaced hostility/pride/ego, you'd have been subject to it already. She is "stepping up" to "do the right thing" by her family.
So, she doesn't have to be bad for you to disagree with placement with her. Knowing that frees you to have an honest heart to heart with her.
Relatives don't step up sooner for a host of reasons, including being told not to, sometimes, by social services, or being told to wait and see how the parent does, or being pressured by the rest of family...for one reason or another, sometimes taking the child during the fostering is seen or felt to be a betrayal of the parents' efforts. I never saw it that way, but some people do.
Anyway, if you can free yourself of the feeling of being put upon, threatened, or wrongfully dealt with and come to this woman from the perspective that she is a caring person trying to do right, you just might be surprised by how willing she is to listen to your thoughts on best interest.
She may listen and set them aside, feeling that a lifetime of family outweighs a year of attachment. Or she and you may work out a middle ground that includes both families, at least to the point that the little girl knows them a little, knows who they are, knows they wanted her, etc.
It is hard to know what will, in the long run, do less harm to any particular child--because no matter which path is taken, harm will be done. We all like to look at the therapists for answers, but they don't always have crystal balls, either.
Your reactions and feelings are perfectly natural for a mother who has bonded to a child. It is really hard to rise beyond those feelings and reach out to someone else who is a threat to your happy world even when they are not actually coming to you from a threatening place. Good luck, I hope all works out well for the child, you, and the family.
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