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Nicole,

For the few months I lived at home after graduating from college before moving into my own apartment, I felt the SAME WAY. I couldn't answer her questions as simple conversation, because it's like they were a challenge to my adulthood, which I would verbally assert all over the place, while at the same time knowing that as long as I was living at home, I wasn't quite there yet. And her mere presence reminded me of that not to mention questions. But instead of recognizing that, I just decided she was the most annoying person on the face of the earth. I picked out every single harmless idiosyncracy she had as some sort of assault on my senses.

While I was away from home, I could brag about my parents' awesomeness and revel in how I could talk to my mom about anything and how cool she was. While actually at home. Grrrrr.

Any trait she had that I didn't want as an adult, I just blew out of proportion immensely. I was a bit obsessed with how I did NOT want to be like my mother, especially since we were alike in many ways. Since I was a Big Bad Adult, I judged everything she did or had done that I knew I could Do Better. I didn't feel that way about my dad at all. I just thought he was a dream.

My mother was also going through depression and menopause at this same time too, so in addition to "annoying," I dismissed her as off her rocker.

I really think this is related to life stage. In fact, I seem to remember almost every one of my good friends also going through anger at their parents, even really great parents, at the same time I was. We were all pushing away and distancing ourselves, dwelling on our differences, judging their failures. I think living at home can make this stage really difficult and it's absolutely true that a little geographical distance, even a few blocks, can make a very positive difference in your relationship with your mom.

I actually remember the moment I called my mom crying and said "I'm so sorry for everything I did or said." It was the moment I felt Completely Taken For Granted As A Mom. It broke my heart, and it suddenly clicked how unmercifully I had done that to her, while she was after all, just like I was in that moment, not some sort of malfunctioning mom-machine, but a woman who did her imperfect best to love me and raise me, with all her faults, and sometimes I treated her like crap in the thwarted sense of superiority that young adulthood can bring.

I really don't look forward to going through this with J, and I sometimes wonder what he's going to find in me that will annoy him to no end, or that he can judge that He Would Do Better. DH and I sometimes joke, "I wonder what he'll hate us for?"

I think spending time with her is a great idea. But I absolutely agree with Brenda that you need to move out. You probably won't fix this entirely until you truly feel established in your own indepedent life and household, even if you don't think it's the main problem.