I have some concerns about my relationship with my Mom. This may bore you...I apologize, ha.
I have always been closer to my Dad - I've always been a "Daddy's girl," as I am their only child & a girl, but in general I find that he and I get along much more easily than my Mom and I ever have. He and I are both a little bit sarcastic, have the same sense of humor, like to talk about sports/current events/politics etc. I was always his "little buddy" growing up...he'd take me to the golf course with him and I would play with my Barbie's in the sand trap while he played and then he'd get me an ice cream cone, or we'd go to the hardware store and he'd push me around on those big carts or let me sit on the riding lawnmowers, ha.
My Mom and I are VERY much alike: we are both very stubborn. Neither one of us wants to admit when we are wrong. We both feel like we need the last word in any disagreement. We're both very opinionated. Neither of us are really great listeners - we are darn good at talking, however. We both like things done "our way." We both want my Dad's attention when he is home, as he is gone quite frequently on business [and always has been]. We are both impulsive shoppers and we both have a fairly short temper/patience span, although I think that I am far more patient than she is [and my Dad would attest to that]...the similarities kind of end there, though.
Since I moved home just about a year ago, I find that my Mom annoys me for no apparent reason. Sometimes, simply her presence annoys me. I find myself sharing less and less with her and, when we're both home, I prefer to be upstairs in my room or downstairs in our finished basement watching TV...but she could be in our family room, watching the same show that I am watching, but I still prefer to be by myself. If my Dad's home, sometimes I am more inclined to hang around her, but it depends. I find myself annoyed when she asks me about my day, or what I'm doing that night, or what I did at the gym, or what I bought at the mall. We don't have "heart to heart" talks.
When I was struggling with school and dropped out for a semester this past October my Mom decided that we needed to go to family counseling and work on our relationship. We went to two sessions as a family and I went to two sessions on my own - but never had the counselor refer me because I was a] uninsured at the time and b] I didn't feel ready to tackle all of my issues yet [maybe b had more to d with it than a]. When we sat in those two sessions as a family, my Mom expressed to the counselor that she desperately wanted to repair our relationship and re-open the lines of communication. My Dad wanted that as well. And so did [do] I. However, we never really figured out how to do that. I think we all collectively decided that counseling wasn't "our thing" and we haven't discussed it since.
I really, really feel compelled to work on my relationship with my Mom, especially because I know that it hurts her. She has said to me on numerous occasions - or rather, she has asked me - "Why don't you like me?" That makes my stomach drop, and because it catches me so off-guard and because I am a person who generally loathes confrontation with family members, I deflect the comment and say "Oh come on, Mom, don't be so dramatic. Of course I like you," or something to that effect...but I feel like there's a lot of seriousness behind her comment & it breaks my heart to think that I'm causing her pain or making her feel rejected or sad.
Sometimes when my Mom has something she wants to express to me she'll write me a long note [which she edits, re-writes, and edits again] and leave it on my bed for me to find. Sometimes she asks me to talk to her about what she has to say once I have had time to think about it, or she'll just want to express herself & she doesn't require a response. I'm thinking of writing her a note, telling her that I want to work on our relationship, but I have no idea where to begin. How do I tell her that sometimes I find her presence to be annoying?! And for no real reason? I mean - that is a hurtful thing to hear, and I don't want to hurt her. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions [especially from Mom's! Hint hint] as to how I should word my letter so that I can avoid hurting her as much as possible. Despite being an English major & the keeper of a daily journal I find that I really
don't have a way with words, ha.
I am concerned that I am indirectly aiming the resentment, anger and frustration that I feel for my biological mother at my Mom. THERE: I said it. If you know me & follow me here on the forums, you know that
sometimes I don't like to admit that I'm grieving what I can only assume to be the loss of a tie with my biological mother. I generally make the claim that I could care less about ever being in reunion with her and that all I really want is medical history. Some of you have called me out on that & I have flat-out denied it...so there you are; my name is Nicole and I am grieving the loss of my biological mother.
ANYWAY - could that be the case? Could I be "taking out" these emotions on my Mom? I sometimes think,
oh, it's just because we live in the same house & I am almost 24 and I am a person who prefers to live alone and have her own space...but other times I think,
you know, my Mom is such a gentle, funny, sweet soul...why am I so unable to connect with her? In a sense, now I'm grieving the loss of my relationship with my Mom, too.
So, what I am asking is advice - I know that I should address this issue. I'm at the place in my life where I am having serious discussions about getting engaged and thinking about children of my own within the next five years, and a relationship with my Mom is absolutely something I want/need to have when I am going through these kinds of big life milestones. I think writing a letter is my best option [since my Mom likes to do this, too] but I am afraid to tell her how I'm feeling. She recently went on Wellbutrin - she didn't tell me why, so it could be for menopausal symptoms, but my fear is that she's depressed and sad and I don't know because I don't pay enough attention to her to recognize those kinds of things. Basically, I feel like a rotten daughter. I think that in addition to the letter I will start asking her to spend time with me - whether we go to Panera for lunch or we go to the bookstore and browse together or go to the mall or ANYTHING. I know she'd love that. And maybe I need to force myself to spend more time with her to get to the root of the problem...avoiding her is hurtful to both of us and it seems so immature. I would really, really like to focus on repairing our relationship.