[Janeytwo]

Hi,

Telling my mom that this is the day I have to go to court to give up my babies. I have no car. I need a ride. But what I really need is someone to go with me because I am so desperately....God...there isn't even a word for it.

Mom saying call Semta, get the bus schedule and then take the bus. Mom turning away to do dishes. Me digging around for the bus money.

Standing alone on Gratiot looking down to 8 Mile the dividing line between rich and poor. I am poor. Sitting on the bus...does the old black man across from me know my secret? What I am about to do? The bus stinks of motor oil. Riding past the mall...seeing a mom holding her child's hand going into the mall. She is a have of the most blessed kind. Soon I will be a have-not. Sign posts and street names flashing by...traffic lights...sitting on the bus. One more hour to be a mom...one more hour. What would happen if I ran from the bus?

But no, I don't.

Sitting beneath that **** clock watching the minutes tick by......... No one with me...just a court appointed someone or other to guard my rights...but she's not sitting with me...she's in that room through that door. I am alone. Then an angel appearing...the lady from the adoption service. She sits with me a while.

Alone, taking the bus back after. But I don't remember that. I don't remember a single thing about that.

Forgive me for writing. I just can't help it.

And for making wounded people in here bear witness to this, I swear to God insanity, that I am dumping out of my soul. God, I am so sorry for that and I promise....When I am on the other side of whatever this is...I will buy a little white industrial clock with a steel rim and hang it on my wall!! That is what I will do!!! And I will have it engraved on the bottom with this: It's not a clock. It's a lifetime.

Janey