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Originally Posted by sonata
Thanks for the replies everybody!
I know the situation is mostly my own fault for going along with the relationship on her terms for so long - even when I wasn't comfortable with it. She was SO torn up over losing me when I was born and afraid of losing me again that I was always trying to reassure her.
Every time I talked to her it was the same refrain "when are you coming to see me?" I got in the trap of saying I would "try to come this summer" just to get her off my back and then when it didn't work out the guilt got even worse. The last time that happened, last summer, I felt so guilty for doing it yet again that is when I really started shutting her out. She didn't reproach me for it but I almost wish she HAD because then I could have come clean with her and not feel so GUILTY! Instead she emailed me that she was going to come here and visit me this Spring instead. Uh,oh....I don't want that either! So that is when I just stopped responding altogether. I just didn't have an answer for that. How can I be cruel enough to say, "No, I don't want you to come here". It was a cop out, I know, but just easier not to answer at all. SIGH....I really messed it up.
She has come to visit twice in the past 6 years - I have been there once. The visits were mostly about her smothering me and telling me over and over (and over and over!) how much she loves me, doesn't want to lose me, blesses the day I found her, etc. I hear about her years of depression and therapy dealing with giving me up for adoption and how me coming back into her life is the greatest thing that ever happened to her. That is an INCREDIBLE burden to put on someone. She obviously "loved" me all my life because I am her baby. But I was only curious about her, how can I love someone I never knew? But she expected that from me and I never had the heart to tell her any different. She even insists that I call her "Mom" but I have my own Mom! I just can't deal with that.
Sorry to ramble, but again thanks for the replies. You have given me some things to think about.......
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I can understand the feelings of guilt. However, you are really lucky. My birth-mom *hates* me because I made my half-sister cry (she was cruel to me and so I said "good riddance"). She is more interested in my half-sister than my whole siblings, to boot.
With that said, I think that in either case, limits are a necessary thing to impose. Remember basic boundary information from psychology. I can't recall the parameters that they give, but there is probably a website with the information on it. I would say that biological families fall between the "strangers" and "immediate family" parameters. While they are family, they are strangers to us until such time as we meet. Just some thoughts... suffocation can be as bad as rejection, imho