[Original Mike]

Lately, things around here have pretty much been total chaos. T's downward spiral continued with more incidents of truancy, marijuana, and just general "Stuff". Finally, his worker moved him to a group home yesterday where he can be supervised 24/7. He was supposed to leave today, but I got a call from the school truant officer yesterday morning telling me that they found him walking down the highway with two friends, all reeking of pot. I told the officer to call his caseworker because I had mandatory meetings at work and couldn't take any more time. Well, his worker decided to pick him up from school and take him to the group home one day early. When I got home, a lot of his stuff was gone and I told the worker I'll box up the rest of it over the weekend.

Then, last night M comes home and announces out of the blue that he is moving out. His buddy has been in from the Army for two weeks and M has hardly been home. I know he is 18 and an adult, but I told him that I don't consider disappearing for two days without a word acceptable. Well, apparently I have no right to "run his life". I tired to say that it was not about running his life, but about the courtesy of letting me know where he was. He also told me that he was sick of me criticizing his girlfriend. Well, my "criticism" has been warning my 18 (almost 19) year old son that messing around with a 15yo is TROUBLE and that he could get arrested for it. I also pointed out to him that two of his friends have already bragged about sleeping with her.

Well, M took all of his stuff and left last night. He didn't even say "good-bye". After he left, I just went to my room and cried. I don't know how much more I am supposed to take. I feel so beaten down right now that I just want to hide away from the world.

In a twisted irony, our agency is having its annual appreciation reception tonight. I was actually supposed to be getting an award for all that I have done. Well, this morning I called and let them know that I couldn't make it. I cannot accept any kind of award at this point.

I'm really starting to think that these kids are beyond help or hope. I think the negative influences and self-destructive tendencies are so deep by the time we get them that success is not an option.

I guess I'm just tired of life right now and am really whiny. I need to just walk away and see where I go from here. It's really rotten to know that you're a has-been before you're even 40.