30-year minutes
Hi.
So I will keep writing. Scared, terrified....I will keep writing.....
That day, it's in flashes of minutes. The nurse who came to me and said that she'd heard I was giving my babies up. There I am laying there, my little 16-year-old c-sectioned body, wrapped in bandages. I tell her that, yes, that's the decision I've made.
How could I have forgotten this, her saying to me, ........"Now dear, you seem like a nice girl, you're not one of those awful women who throw their children away. Yes, you've made a mistake but you're going to make that right by keeping your babies aren't you dear? It's going to be hard but that's how you're going to atone for your mistake. You seem like a good girl. I know you'll do the right thing and keep your babies. You're not one of those bad women. When your therapist comes back, you are going to tell her that you've changed your mind and you're keeping your babies aren't you dear?"
That little old nurse. I wanted so badly to please her, wanted so badly to prove that I wasn't one of those awful women!! I promised her that yes, I was good and that, no, I wouldn't give my babies up and that, yes, I would tell my therapist I'd changed my mind. And the whole time, a part of me is screaming at me WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOUR BABIES UP...YOU KNOW IT!! Your mother has told you you can't come home if they come home with you. And you know that you'd be poor and so would they. What are you doing you gutless little coward of a girl promising this nurse that you'll keep your babies when the whole time you know you're just saying it to please her. You coward!! Gutless!
Flashes...me giving my babies up...me saying goodbye to them through the window of the infant room at the hospital...that glass with it's strange little x's in the center...I couldn't bring myself to reach out and touch the glass trying to touch them....hoping, hoping that that little old nurse isn't standing behind me scowling at me....
Flashes...me getting into the elevator and riding down to the bottom to the lobby....me hearing that voice in my head saying....this is where gutless tramps like you get to go little girl....all the way down to the bottom...all the way to the street where you belong.
I hate myself today.
Flashes 14 years later...me at the hospital with my new baby daughter being told by nurses that if my husband doesn't bring an infant car seat with him I can't take my baby daughter home with me. Me getting hysterical screaming NO PLEASE NO NO DON'T KEEP MY BABY FROM ME! PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER AWAY!! PLEASE DON'T!!
Oh this is so hard..............
Janey
|