[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

But still I'm afraid. I just didn't expect fear to be my companion here. I thought it would be anger or grief but not fear please not that.

The fear of turning around and facing yourself.. The fear of finally stopping from abandoning yourself..
The unknown..

I know I did not sort a thing when I gave my bson up for adoption..
I just kept it all in.. and solved it in my young mind.. solved it as a person without a lot of wisdom would..

I talked about this with a therapist once.. He said triggers are when we have sorted something when the trauma happened and then shut it down.. shut ourselves down.. But when we are reminded we spiral into the bad thoughts and the bad feelings and we do not see what really happened..

He said that if we look at what happened from out adult eyes.. We can see that some of the people in our lives did it wrong..
We need help when we have babies.. I do not think any of us can do it alone.. and if we do not get that help.. and if the people in our lives just take a pass and blame it.. on anyone or anything..

We are abandoned.. and in turn we abandon ourselves.. or I did..

Where did these terrible messages start?

That’s what needs to be sorted.. Maybe journal.. maybe write your life down.. especially when the bad stuff happened..
Maybe write it here.. you are safe here.. this is a good place the moderators are good people.

I once did reach out you know. I took a risk and told a woman I thought I knew well that I'd given 2 babies up. She looked at me horrified and said "I don't know what kind of person could do something like that. I can't believe how backward you are!"

That is ignorance speaking.. Its interesting how we (some of us) allow ignorance in so deep..
I know I do..

Or was it with my mother who looked down on her young daughter crying that I missed my children the day I got home from the hospital? Was it when she looked down at me and said "you made your bed now lie in it" and walked away. Two days later she told me to get on with my life and within a week I was back at work and moving on. It's okay though mom, maybe you were just as afraid then as I am now.

There is a thread here about a Dear Abby letter.. a woman is upset her daughter is pregnant (15 if I remember) and she is worried about the message it sends to her other younger daughter..
All wrong.. all bad parenting.. all ignorance..

What happened to you was wrong..

Jackie