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Janeytwo
Wow... I feel for you so much right now. I am a birthmother too. I have two children placed for adoption. I want you to know that your decision was a parenting decision and it showed real maturity and insight on your part. Many things we do as parents are very difficult for us but are what is best for our children. No one has the right to look down on you for what you did. You have done NOTHING wrong. I do think that your experience with adoption thus far has not lead you down a path where you can feel positive about it. I believe in counseling and hope you can get some. It does not sound like you have anyone close enough to you that you are comfortable having them help you through so professional counseling seems the best option for you. Of course there are the support groups like this one that can help too. You just have to keep reaching out. You can not sit and dwell on your decision every minute of every day but neither should you go on and pretend it never happened. I did that for 18 years. Bad choice. Maybe, when you get to a point that you can be more open about this you could start a little album or something. I am starting to gather one for my son. I will have his birth photo, hospital birth certificate, one picture I have of him after his adoption, some family pictures, family history (medical, etc.), cards that I am now starting to get for his birthday, and probably pages where me, my husband, and our son and daughter can write down thoughts if they would like. I think projects like that can help heal us. If you ever need to talk let me know and I will give you contact information for me.
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