[Janeytwo]

Hi.

Someone advised me to keep writing, so I will because every cell in my body is screaming to keep quiet, tuck down my head and never raise my voice again. Return to the non-cyber world and pretend that I am like other women. Women I pass on the street who have this....I don't know how to describe it....this understanding that they are respectable. I know that this is fear talking to me now. I know it. How many of those women do I pass who are like me? How many? Probably a lot more than I know. But still I'm afraid. I just didn't expect fear to be my companion here. I thought it would be anger or grief but not fear please not that. Oh but what I am hearing in my head today. Janey...People here think your nuts, people think your despicable....people think you're a whining self-pitying fool

Where did these terrible messages start?

I once did reach out you know. I took a risk and told a woman I thought I knew well that I'd given 2 babies up. She looked at me horrified and said "I don't know what kind of person could do something like that. I can't believe how backward you are!"

Or was it with my mother who looked down on her young daughter crying that I missed my children the day I got home from the hospital? Was it when she looked down at me and said "you made your bed now lie in it" and walked away. Two days later she told me to get on with my life and within a week I was back at work and moving on. It's okay though mom, maybe you were just as afraid then as I am now.

God I hate this!

Shaking at the keyboard as I write.

Janeytwo