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I do understand--a little. I am a bmom and I placed 22 years ago in a closed adoption. I was 19 and a freshman in college. I like you thought--this is going to be great----Not so much. I was pregnant. I hid the pregnancy for the whole 9months and told no one until I delivered. I was in denial and it was a miserable existence.
After the adoption I began drinking heavily. I also did not do so well in school. I did not flunk out, but I did do poorly.
But I finally pulled myself together and graduated from college, got a job and no longer drink.
You can get through this--You are worth it and you are not a failure. You are not the first to make this mistake--nor will you be the last.
If you get cut off from your son, it will be difficult. The best thing you can do for him is make yourself a great person, so when he does find you, you can be proud of who you are. Keep a scrapbook for him, journal for him. Mostly you need to know that you are responsible for what you think, feel, say and do. Do not try to play the blame game, just be the best you can be so that when you are reunited you can tell him how much you loved him, missed him and thought about him. At this time you have made the responsible decision, which isn't always the one that makes us happy. Try to know that you can be happy again, but YOU have to be the one to make that happen No one else can do it for you.
I have recently reunited with my DD and it is going well. If I had wallowed in self pity and had quit school and continued to drink--I am sure that the reunion would be non existant. Take care of yourself. You can succeed.
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