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I don't know if my advice is helpful - but I can see that your children have quite an age difference (8 years unless I'm crazy). I grew up with that age difference between myself and my next sister. I can honestly say that in that situation, there was little that anyone could say or do for me that would have helped. I was expected to help with her alot which built my bad feelings. I felt as though I had gone from queen (and I was not spoiled in any way) to servant...even when I wasn't asked to help. I started spending a lot of time alone outside, so my parents thought I was playing and really I was just away from everyone making over her. I try to look back and think what could have made it better. I think that it could have been helped if my interaction with her was not forced. Like "please give your sister some toys to play with" - "please sit with your sister while I make dinner". I'm sure you aren't doing that to a large extent - but even a little can be trying to the older child, especially when there are bad feelings. I'm sure his adoption could play into it as well. Reinforce to him that he is always your baby and always your first and always going to be there. Try to tell him about what it will be like to grow up with her. When he is away at college, what will she be doing?
I really wasn't close to that sister until just recently.
I also see the other side as we have a bio that has struggled with our adoption. I think he feels the need to "teach them" about our family and that includes him thinking it's ok to be a "little mean" and tell them what to do and when to do it. He loves to tell them when they spoke wrong or walked wrong or laughed wrong or watched TV wrong - as you can see everything they do can be wrong in his eyes. Just the nagging like you said. We have had to make a rule that every time he bosses or nags, there is a consequence. We aren't making it about his siblings, but about the fact that you can't do that to anyone in life. It seems to have cut down a bit. But, I do know that although he won't ask for it (11 is a tough age to let parents know you need something - you want to be so big) - he needs us more now than ever. He regressed alot after the adoption. Almost wanting to sit on my lap and hold my hand alot - he was 9 and had been past that for a couple of years. But, even today, he'll sit right by me (man, he's getting big) and rub my leg or back and want to really cuddle. I try to make no big deal, because if I say "oh, you want to cuddle with mom" he'll bolt. I guess this isn't really advice at all - just a rambling mother!
Sorry this is so long!
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