[D28Bob]

I know what you are going through. I discovered my family of origin in December, sent a card and letter just before Christmas. No reply, sent another letter a month later, photos etc. No reply. Sent a card and gift for Valentine's day, no reply. Tried to call on Easter, got a "I'm sorry - I can't talk about this, I can't think about this. I hope you understand. Click."

What did I do wrong? Several things - for one, I tried contact at holidays. NOT a good time - sometimes family and friends are around, and even if not, emotions can run high. But as it turns out, there was another reason.

Further research led me to my birthmother's ex-husband's widowed second wife. So I called her a few days ago, and she was very gracious and kind. She told me that my half sister Victoria, born 5 years later, went into hospice in late December and died of breast cancer just before Valentine's Day.

So just as I was trying to come crashing in, she was losing her daughter. Can you say "Bob, your timing sucks," kiddies?

So I did NOT try to contact Dorothy over Mother's Day, and instead read Vicky's incredible cancer blog and thought about my own wonderful adoptive mother, gone 17 years now.

Moral of the story is that until you know what is going on in your family of origin, try to keep from fantasizing about what they MIGHT be thinking or feeling or doing. I was getting angry with Dorothy's not replying, and now I understand a bit more. Don't be too hasty to judge - and in the meantime, I have learned SO MUCH about myself and adoption and reunion, I'm actually glad I had this time to prepare and develop - I may need that if we do finally communicate. Read, go to adoption support groups or therapists (I do all three!) and even if you never connect, you will be far better off than you were before...

Bob Haight
Proud Alumnus of St. Anthony's (KC) Home for Bastard Infants, Unwed Mothers and Other Social Outcasts, Class of '49