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I think you can find a way to tell her kindly and directly, as you have stated it here. Maybe write it out in a letter so she can sit with your words and really absorb them. If you wish to open the door for contact again, state the terms you are comfortable with, maybe starting very slowly and seeing how things progress.
Can you find any commonalities at all between you and your bmom?
You are expressing that you are opposite of your mom, and that you are not passive and clingy but rather assertive and independent. If that is true (and I don't doubt that it is), you already have the tools to handle direct communication with her without crumbling or being afraid of her emotional reactions.
I wonder, too, if you would have found a different person, more like yourself, would you still want only to satisfy your curiosity about your bmom or get basic info about your background? Would you have been willing to have a relationship with your bmom had she not bombarded you with extreme emotions?? If you get back in touch with her, and even after you spell everything out honestly, kindly and directly, she starts up again (and she probably will, as a person's emotional expression is not going to change overnight), stop her right there and say "Jane, I'm not comfortable with that, please stop." If she keeps ignoring your boundaries, tell her you will have to hang up/end the conversation and follow through. Of course, this may seem like too much work to go through for someone you are not sure you want to have a relationship with. That is why you should start slowly if you want to open the door again, maybe just do cards/letters, or some updates even through an intermediary to let her know how you are doing from time to time. See how it progresses from there, or maybe you will find a comfort zone in just corresponding in letters. There is nothing wrong with that. Some of my closest friends and I only communicate in email or the occasional phone call.
I had to set very strict boundaries with my own mother (I'm not an adoptee, but I had a very overbearing, emotionally needy and controlling mother with a whole host of other issues I will not get into here). It did take work and it took a long time to get where we are today, but she does respect my boundaries and sometimes when she slips up (it happens less and less frequently as time goes on), I simply reassert myself with her.
I'm also a big believer in professional counseling, especially for those going through reunion issues. I honestly don't know how anyone can deal with the very strong emotions that come up on all sides of the triad without it.
Are you still in touch with your birth siblings? Can they offer you any guidance with regard to your mom? I'm sure they can give you some valuable insight and may even be able to act as intermediaries on your behalf, if that is something they and you would be comfortable with.
As regards your husband handling this, I'd say you'd feel stronger in the long run if you did it yourself. Whenever I have had to face similar issues, as difficult as they are, I always feel more "adult like" (for lack of a better term) when I handle it myself.
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