[Hadley2]

I'm sorry if this comes across harshly, but I am very surprised by your words and hope to be able to extend your thinking a little beyond your adult relative's cry for help.

"She is willing to relinquish to family for the long term care of the child b/c she knows she can always see the child."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She cannot always see the child again, at least she shouldn't be allowed to unless her seeing the child benefits the child and that benefit outweighs any harm seeing her does to the child. No adult, relative or otherwise, who adopts a child should EVER make that kind of promise of direct contact to a first parent, outright or implied.

DH and I are fostering and adopting a relative. We were already parents, and believe firmly that the first, most absolute and sacred promise a parent makes is to their child: "we will keep you safe, we will provide for your needs--physical, mental, emotional--always and forever, no matter what." That promise is made at birth, that promise is made at adoption. NOWHERE in that promise is there room for "and we will sacrifice you as a favor to other adults."

We came into this because of a belief in the responsibility and connectedness of family. But it was the child's need for connection to us and the rest of the extended family that motivated us, not any consideration for the parents. While we cared about them, we would never make life decisions for a child based on what adults want.

You are talking about getting to know this child solely so that you can claim a relationship later--if you haven't wanted to get to know this child before or don't want to know the child better because you already hold him/her in your heart, then faking an interest now doesn't make much sense. If you are successful, you will be raising a child as your own for many years not because you want to have that child in your life and fulfill his/her needs but because you chose to cater to the wants of a dysfunctional adult. I would be afraid that if you did that, the child would suffer greatly--as would you, because resentment would surely follow on all sides.

This child probably has special needs, many of which you may not know about, and the biggest special need he/she has is the need for protection from the people who harmed him/her. This is not about judging people bad or good--it is about recognizing facts about harm done, intentionally or not.

If you hold this child in your heart, if you have the kind of family love and belief in bond that you understand how important that connection to your family, that knowledge that family is the caring cradle, will be to the child as he/she grows up, if you are ready to be this child's parent or extended family--with all the responsibilities those roles carry--then by all means pursue a relationship with the child and try to cultivate a relationship with the cw and fps.

But please, really listen and learn as much as you can about what this child needs, and keep your focus clearly and only on that, not on what your relative wants.

If I've misread your post and intentions, I am very, truly sorry. I know, however, how easy it is to get caught up in the adult relationships and how quickly the child's real interests can get minimized or dismissed. The truth is, if you go forward, you may have to be willing to end or greatly close down the adult relationship for the child's and/or your family's sake--so if you're not there for the child, well, that would be a pretty lonely, sad place to end up.

Either way, try to remember, too, that the foster system can actually be a great resource for the children and families--the best thing we ever did for ourselves and our child was get educated in the foster care system and become licensed.

I hope things work out well for this child and your family.