|
Although we hadn't entered foster parenting to adopt, we fell in love with our first little one. She was a legal risk child and things looked good for us to adopt. It will be 1 yr since we lost her on June 12. I am dreading that day.
What I wish I had? People who understood that losing her felt exactly like a death. Folks who would listen when I talked and not presume to tell me it was for the best or that I'd only had her just a few months and I'd get over it soon. Ministerial support that could understand exactly how raw that wound was. Most of all, I wish that I could have had someone around who experienced that loss. Never having had a miscarriage, I would never compare my loss to that one, but oddly, I find kinship with women who share that loss with me. I can never know what happens to my little girl. I would love to know how to find peace with THAT. And I would love support for my wonderful husband who doesn't have even the minimal societal permission I have to grieve openly.
People should know that the grieving is not linear, but rather jagged. There are days when I'm fine and then something trivial sets me off. My husband has the same reaction. I have strong faith, but it still tears at my heart. I wish that people would understand that my grieving the loss of my little girl wasn't a lack of faith in my God. It is grief and I have the right to my pain. Let me feel it as it comes so that I can move through it in time.
I pray you find all that you need to bring you through this refiner's fire. Exactly what you are being burnished for only God knows.
|