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No, I would say I have not yet found any peace. Perhaps I should clarify my situation....my problems stem not from the adoption so much as from my mother's coldness and cruelty in dealing with me while she is starting her reunion with her surrendered child. I don't grieve at all for not knowing this person that she wants me to call my sister. I grew up with my full sister and my parents and that was all the family that I needed. I don't wish to know any other siblings at this time. What I need is for my mother to accept that I am dealing with my own struggles in trying to accept the situation for what it is. I need her to be loving and kind to me, to respect that I cannot just jump in and shout for joy that she is obsessed with someone else and completely neglects my needs. Any time I've tried to talk with her about still needing her to be MY mother too, she just says "It's not my problem" and cuts me off. When she backed out on babysitting for my 10th wedding anniversary b/c I wouldn't let her tell me how wrong I am to feel resentful and displaced, it was the final straw. We have not spoken to each other in 5 weeks because I can't let her beat up on me any more. I can't change how I feel about this situation, I don't want her to change how she feels about her other child. I just want her to be respectful of my feelings and allow me the time and space that I need to figure out what is going on here.
I am also tired of people saying that if I understood what my mom went through it would help me. I get it...I've read the book, I've listened to her tell her story. But no matter how crappy it was for her ( and I know that it was truly awful), it does not excuse her treatment of me now. She is still MY mother too, and I need her love and support just as much as anyone in this situation. Unfortunately, if I don't just go along with how she feels, then she punishes me and cuts me out of her life. I've heard from others that it doesn't have to be this way with her. She just can't (or won't) make room for me in her life right now, and it hurts me tremendously b/c we were so close for my whole life. I don't use the word obessessed lightly, but she is excluding all those who have loved her most but who disagree with her interpretation of this situation. My full sister and I both feel that she is not the person that we have always known...the mother that I knew my whole life would never make her relationship with me conditional on anything, much less on my jumping on the bandwagon for her to fixate on another person.
I know that we are still early in the reunion process, but all I can do right now is wait for the intensity to wane so that maybe she will listen to me. Right now she can't be the mother that I need her to be b/c she's too busy trying to make up for lost time with someone else. I am deeply saddened that it has come to this. I miss her everyday, and Mother's Day this year is tremendously hard. I just can't be her scapegoat anymore and until she can respect my position (as I have tried to respect hers) I can't have contact with her.
I am hoping that one day she will see what is happening between us and take some responsibility for her behavior and start to act like my mom again. Until then, we are stuck in our silence. And I feel awful.
Knittygirl
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