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Well called DSS today to get a little more information before we started the process, turns out we are not going to be accepted as FP, nor can we ever adopt due to my husbands past with some drugs.
I havnt really talked to him about this yet, just called him and told them the bad news. My heart broke in a million pieaces this morning, and I feel like my life as no meaning anymore. Even thought greatly about leaving my husband... what I'm going to do is still very fuzzy to me, but its going to start with a nice heart to heart with hubby, and gallons of tears before I know what is best for me. I know many may be thinking well something will work out.. but this was just about the option for me becoming a parent.. I have a condition, PCOS, that has left me unable to have a child of my own, I'm not even releasing eggs. And right now finding a seregent mother to carry my child is the only option I have.
After I had accepted my infertility my heart was set on adoption and foster parenting. I have a great love for children, and it shows, I'm a Special Education major, I have worked in Day cares while attending school, private tutored children with major learning disabilities, and volunteer for every children's activitiy at church... I've even looked into start a CHADD, children and adults with ADD, program in the area since there isnt one. For as long as I can remember I knew exactly what I wanted in life... I have had a lot of curve balls, I struggles with Learning Disabilities and ADD going through school while its acceptance was next to none. But I always came out with top grades and honars, cause I knew what I wanted and I wasnt going to let ANYTHING get in my way. When the docs told me about my infertility I was depressed for a while, but thought theres other alternatives, there are MANY children in the world that need a good home, and I know that I can give any child my entire heart.
But all this is shattered b/c DH stupid mistakes, my plans have been permentaly stopped, and I have no clue where to go from here.
To think last night while I was nestled up next to hubby staring at the beautiful christmas tree set up in our living room, I told him, "Just think within a couple years, that tree with have tons to gifts under it, and kids waking us up at 5am excited to see what santa brought..." and tonight Im having to face the fact that I'll never have a child living under my roof.
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