|
My "credentials" first, lol. Hubby and I have been foster parents for seven years. I'm also very opinionated on this subject and am probably not going to make any friends with my post.
I agree wholeheartedly with Sharon's post. No child should be in a home where they are not liked. It's not fair to the CHILD. Older child adoption is not like infant adoption. These are kids that have their own personalities already set in stone, they are not moldable like an infant is. They have a whole history that we may think we know all about, but those are words on paper, not the feelings, fears, and confusion that the child feels. They are scarred, scared, and have conflicting emotions that no child should ever have to know so young. They have adult worries with a child's brain to worry over them.
When a child comes to our home we do not love them. How can we? We don't know them. I don't love every adult I come into contact with and I certainly can't love every child I come into contact with. You do need to at least be able to like them though. Like grows into love. Dislike grows into hate. I did not love my husband when we started dated but I did like him enough to continue until I did love him. If we can't form some kind of an attach or a bond to a child in two months we will have them moved to another placement. Of the three times I've done this, two worked into beautiful placements where everyone was happy. One was moved one more time and then it worked out. It has nothing to do with behavior. I've been able to form a bond with some kids who are non-stop problems, and haven't been able to form a bond with really well behaved kids, and vise-versa.
I don't believe in fake it till you feel it because you are causing irrevocable damage to kids. They KNOW. They are not stupid and no matter how good of an actress you think you are, they KNOW. Both of my girls were moved from other foster homes that couldn't bond to them. We bonded to them with no problems. We've moved three kids we couldn't bond to, they found the bonds they needed. They DESERVE to have those bonds and to be liked and loved for exactly who they are! I do not always like my children's behavior, but I always like my children. And I would never acopt one that I didn't have both the verb and noun love for!
The sad reality though is, too many foster parents will keep the kids they are not bonded to for one reason or another. The sadder reality is that there are abusive foster homes out there that really couldn't care less if the child is bonded or not.
Last thing, I saw where someone posted that it's easier to get licenced for foster care then to adopt. I don't know about other states, but in ours that isn't true. We had the exact same homestudy done for our license as we did for our adoptions. The only difference was the words "Adoptive Homestudy" at the top of one and "Fostercare Homestudy" at the top of the other. I think it's sad if other states don't investigate their foster parents like they do their adoptive parents.
|