[HappyMomAnna]

To me a thought does not have much power unless it is spoken. When it is put into words it is confirmed--and floats out there in the air-----I think in the back of my mind that I feel something but, the moment I tell someone the feeling becomes real--and stronger and shows more.......
Once years ago I baby-sat a little boy who I decided I didn't like much.......... I owed it to the child, his mother and to myself to not baby-sit him anymore. It was simply not fair to anyone in the situation.....no matter how I attempted to overcome my feelings there was no way I could conceive that the child would be treated equal or fair when I had this attitude toward him.... He simply would never be able to win me over and when it came down to my treatment of this little boy there was no abuse, no ignoring, no deprival---nothing horrible---but, certainly less compassion, less concern, less fun--and cuddling, less play, less regard for him needs.....even if he had a clean diaper, lunch and a bottle---my touch was not of love, my talk was not sweet and dear, my want to give him a nice day not there. He didn't do anything wrong--he didn't drive me crazy--he was actually a good kid. But, the sound of his cry after nap, was a painful hit between my eyes, his wish to play or be read too, a chore for me to give-----it was wrong for me to continue to allow him to spend all day with me.....away from some place where he would be treated like the little boy he needed to be treated like.....

It is not possible for everyone to always love everyone we meet. It is OK to think in the back of our mind one feeling but, the moment we feel free to express that feeling is the time we need to make a choice....... Words make feelings real---Words have power if even only for ourselves.

My daughter was not 'liked' by her Foster mother. This woman had a list of things for me when she came to my home. Evidence that she was a problem. We dealt with so many behaviors at first. We read more into things then were actually true.

I will NEVER forget the Good-bye party at the Foster Home. There were 8-children in the house---and at least another 15 for the party---all ages. Our daughter had not eaten enough of her dinner to be given the 'right' for ice cream and the foster mother to be honest was a complete Bi*ch about it.......at her own going away party the Foster mother insisted she would not be given ice cream---but, the baby could have some and everyone else in the house could have some---except MaKaylah who had not eaten enough peas. This Foster mother didn't ask the parents of all the visiting children if they had eaten all their peas.....she didn't care...... and when I said something to her about the fact this was MaKaylahs party---she snapped at me and told me I better start right now being in control or she would walk all over me-----On a normal night I would not give dessert to a child who didn't eat dinner---but, at a party in her HONOR it really would not matter....

At home I heard stories--which of course I had to give the proper caution about inflated stories from our daughter---but, the more I heard these stories the more I decided they had some truth to them.......

Our daughter also came with a police report in her files. At a grocery store someone had witnessed a woman hit and bite a little girl in the parking lot.....the witness thought it was bad enough to call the police---report the license plate and report abuse.......the police investigated....questioned my Daughter who told them she liked her home and everyone was nice there.....
.........a few months after our daughter came home we passed a police car on the street and my little girl told me how the police were the bad guys---they take kids away and they are not nice to kids.....My heart knows the foster mother did indeed treat her roughly that day in the parking lot where someone saw it.....my daughter didn't tell the truth to the police when they came to help her........why would she? The police are bad guys.

There are other stories.....like the day my four year old was told to ware a diaper and drink a bottle for her nap---because she acted like a baby.

I also will never forget when I shared the State made Lifebook with the Foster Family and the mother saw that State had taken picture of my daughter holding the pet cat....the Foster mother flipped her lid and said, "I had no idea the let her touch my cat---Makaylah is not allowed to touch my cat--I can't believe they let her." She was really pissed about it---and I could only wonder why?

This woman actually said right in front of our children that, "We really wanted to adopt the baby, but we had to take her too....she has too many problems for us."

If a Foster mother does not believe disliking one of her children does not impact that child she is lying to herself. It does not take abuse outright to harm a child inside---just the subtle actions, the harshness directed toward one and the attitude can damage a child in more ways then you might imagine....

Like our daughter even when there was an intercession--her life experience was to defend the treatment of her Foster Mother---our daughter had been taken away from a mother who had abused her very much--- taken by the police---I am sure that 7-months later when they came to the Foster Home my daughter would have done anything to avoid that again.....

When a child has experienced abuse or neglect they are used to it---the react as a victim of it...... There is not much an outsider to the situation can do to uncover the truth. If a child fears the police more then the abuser then there is no way they will hear the whole story......Everytime the caseworker comes for a visit---my daughter asks me what she should say to him---and how she needs to be? When the caseworker is here my daughter tends to put on a show.....these behaviors have been taught to her......During the first few months of transition everytime she got in trouble one of her first questions was, "are you going to tell the caseworker about this---is the caseworker going to take me away?"

I know this did not come from me---I don't know where it comes from? Today is our last visit with the caseworker before we finalize and my daughter is very HAPPY she can tell us that she is very glad the caseworkers are going away forever! The records don't indicate a caseworker has ever said or done a thing to give my daughter this feeling. Some of it I am sure comes from her experiences with her birthmother---but, I believe much of it comes from the fact the Foster mother threatened. In my mind I can hear the Foster mother say, 'EAT your peas or I am going to tell your caseworker."

I don't believe every foster parent who finds themselves caring for a child they 'don't like' would act this way or treat the child badly---but, I do believe it is possible to 'get away with' less then the best treatment. These kids words are discounted. There are so many things we can blame for certain behaviors....and once the adoption is final I do intend to let the state know how I really feel especially about that police report in her file......I do believe the foster mother treated my daughter abusively that day in the parking lot....and other days as well.....

Thank God some of her issues have been worked though here with us....Thank God we got her out of that HOME. And the only thing I wish was that the police would not have believed the words of a scared four-year old who had already been removed by them......someone should have given weight to her whole life experience....and at the good-bye party my daughter ate all the ice cream I was given and we have framed the picture of her holding the foster mothers cat and put it on the wall.