[Shoshana]

Sharon wrote: " Shoshana, I agree that behavior is easier to change than cognition or affect; however, wouldn't the easiest thing TRULY be to remove the cause of the entire conflict? Bottom line (for me): An unloved child belongs in a different home. "

As a last resort, yes. But if there is a lack of safe foster homes,and if the parent WANTS to love the child, then the parent has a chance of being able to love the child. So I'd advocate a concerted and sincere effort on the part of the parent to change the behavior so that the change in affect and cognition will follow. Will it work? Only if the parent --wants-- it to work and is willing to put forth a lot of effort. I think it's easier for some people to say, "well, this is the way I --feel-- and I can't change it."

(I'm sorry if this isn't making sense, I have a splitting headache & wish somebody was here to take care of ME!)

Seriously tho', I don't think it's a red flag if a new parent doesn't 'love' a child immediately. I believe love grows. I believe, even a sincere desire to love will allow it to happen. I do think it is a BIG problem, for the mental health and security of the child, if he/she is being raised in a home where he/she isn't even LIKED! Not liking a child implies a great deal less investment than even neutrality. That, imo, is a travesty. If you think about it, if you like a person, it's easier to 'pretend' love. If you don't even like the person, 'pretending' love would have to be nearly impossible.