I do want to make it clear that I also had a VERY strong desire to adopt and was very, very happy with our decision and incredibly proud to be chosen as my sons mom. I most certainly loved and adored the "concept" of the boys and had prayed for them for YEARS (without knowing who they were of course).
Saying all that though -- our lives were incredibly changed and often "disrupted". It was VERY hard to have loving feelings towards a child who has just pushed your baby (our bio son) down teh stairs or is hitting him over the head with piece of firewood. Or a child who tells you every day how much he hates you or how everything you cook is "disgusting" and how everything back at the foster home was "perfect".
I think to assume that adoptive parents are super-human and arent infallable people is so destructive. It was so freeing for me to hear from our social worker that I just might not feel all lovey-dovey 24 / 7. It was NORMAL and it was OK. And it would change!!!
Today I run a post-adoption support group for adoptive parents. Do you know how many of them feel like failures because they child they have in their home (always older child adoption) they dont feel like they "should" towards within a month of placement? I had a sobbing amom this week telling me how much touching her new daughter is bothering her. For her to hear that those feelings were normal and would pass was so FREEING for her. And actually contributed to an improvement in the situation.
We shouldnt feel like it is an all or nothing situation. If all children couldnt be placed until the prespective parent "Felt" loving towards them === no child would be placed. I think the difference is that the prespective parent should be told that despite FEELINGS, the commitment is for life. Feelings will come but actions speak infinitaly louder than words!!!