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When I was in college, I met a wonderful woman who years before had given up a daughter for adoption. At the time I knew her, she had such an amazing life and had really come to amazing self-awareness with a very bright future ahead of her.
Many discussions were had in groups and in private about the hard decision she had made. She told us that she had to base her decision on where she was and what she could provide for that child....at that time. She said that she did not feel she could ever go back now and question the decisions she had made then...based on her life circumstances now (which were much better) or even her knowledge, per se, now.
She made the decision to place her child for adoption at a time when open adoption wasn't even discussed...nor was getting to choose the a-parents, if desired. She told us that she knew she made the right decision for her child...at that time...and she did not allow herself to question that decision at this place in her life. She also hoped that one day her daughter would like to meet her .... but did not want to pursue any contact with the a-parents or her daughter until they sought her out...because she did not want to threaten or induce feelings of insecurity, in anyway, for either her daughter or her parents.
I offer this reflection because it taught me so much...and now as a waiting a-parent...I ponder it often. It has helped me understand the importance of open adoption...and in the event that our bmom chooses to remain somewhat distant...and later wants to open communication before our child is 18--I will have experience to rely on to help me understand better and keep my feelings of fear at bay....
I also have several family members that are adopted. Very positive situations. They have always been told how loving the choice was of their b-parents...And that you have to understand the decision in context of that exact time in life....I don't believe it is fair for the child, bparent, or aparents...to judge or formulate opions of the bparents on their initial placing decision based on the bparents subsequent success in life. By success, I mean basically a healthier and/or more prosperous circumstance than at time of placement.
I hope I am making sense. I hope you can see that perhaps she made the most loving and best choice she could at that time of her life....and maybe she never let herself become at peace with that decision in her later successes...which led to more troubled times even in her success...as you refer to the discussions between your bmom and her best friend.
I believe that all members of the triad suffer at the hands of a society that rejoice for a-parents when they adopt...at the same time they say how could someone have given this child or any child up for adoption...and then label the child "adopted" --instead of the a-parents just "child". We are bombarded in the media with stories of heartache and sadness over adoption - instead of the many successes that adoption births everyday. Hopefully, as this forums helps and educates, we as members of the triad can bring forth more education and self-awareness to all our members...and help one another and eventually society see that the decisions, for or against adoption, made by birthmothers are so critical...and need to be applauded and supported...not judged so harshly.
I hope that you will find peace in this situation. I regret for you that you and your bmother were so close in proximity and never able to reach. I will keep you in my prayers...and pray that receive the info you are searching for...and some clarity in your bmother's life and decisions.
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