[HappyMomAnna]

I had back surgery on Sept 18 and still feel terrible---It seems like so long ago, but it hasn't been......... I am still tender and hurt at the end of the day. Bending down is hard and I need so much understnding from my husband and children and everyone I know.......
I cannot imagine how I would be feeling right now had my back surgery been the day two strange people came and got me and told me they were my new parents.........They say they love me, but I still hurt--i am tender. I bet they really won't love me if they find out how bad I really am. I don't even like myself--why would they like me. People have said this before and proven they didn't really mean it.....these two strangers have no idea who I am--how could they say they love me? New clothes....they feel funny, not right. Don't these people know I only ware hand me downs. They feel stiff and wrong on me---I don't deserve to look this pretty. These people have a nice house, I don't belng here....
There are no other kids for them to pay attention to....I am under a magnifiying glass---my last home had 8-kids in it, I got away with so much more there....i miss the other kids....I miss not being the only one to get the blame for the mess in the living room. It was better at that house.

How scary her life must really be right now. How many people have already let her down...and then you ride in on the white horse and save the day.........maybe you will fail her too--she thinks. If her self esteem is low she has no reason to think you will really love her when you get to know her.

I remeber being 9--at that time my parents wee Gods to me. I could not imagine life without them. I used to cry at night just thinking about them getting in an accident..... It was that time for me when I was starting to understand so many things... Fear the world and question everything. I wanted daddy to love me so badly I made my mother crazy. It has to be so hard for her.

And if she has attachement issues it must be a nightmare.

Our 5-year old came to us 10-months ago and the ride has been unbelievable....... If you would have asked me how I was doing at 8-weeks I would have showed you my new gray hair and the ice I needed after falling on the kitchen floor during one of those tantrums....herniating two disks and on pain meds (thank God) I wanted to quit...... She chewed on her clothes and cut them with scissors.....she hit her baby brother and actually bit the cat! She had tantrums that lasted for hours! And if you came within 20 feet of her she started screaming, 'stop hurting me.' She said she hated me--i was a mean mommy and she didn't want me. She wanted daddy to find a different mommy. If I said i like how she looked in red she trashed everything in her closet that was red.
If I said I didn't like Barney---she went shopping with daddy and bought everything Barney had to sell. If I said I liked the dinner we were having she wouldn't even take a bite....
She would sit in the chair and moan as if someone were pinching her.....for hours on end. She seemed to take joy in hurting me, the cat and her brother. Anything I said no to she wanted even more.....anything I wanted her to do she wouldn't do....or she wouldn't do it the way I asked her to.
She made up stories about her old life that were not true. Went to preschool and told everyone that we made her do the dishes and change the babies diapers at home. If she has a scratch on her arm she said i did it to her. She picked her scratche to make them bleed at pre-school. She slapped her leg to leave handprints on them and told her teacher i hit her there last night.

In ten months we have had a ton of counseling.....every week. I have read every book and tried all sorts of things....slowly ever so slowly she is coming around. But, it only takes one thing to be setback three steps. We told her the adoption would be final anyday.....she went crazy for two weeks. But, still every day one little step at a time she is coming around...... last night she had a bad dream and for the first time she came to me instead of daddy---I couldn't sleep the rest of the night because my smile kept waking me up...... one little thing so simple as that means such great progress!

The first 6-months of our transition were a living h*ll. EVERYONE told me I needed to give her a good spanking....... I told them all "why so i can remind her of her birthmother?" I am not in competition with her--- We have told our family they can visit here and that she will not have sleep overs with grandma---if grandma thinks a spank will fix her grandma can wait until she is fixed. If family can't deal with her family can stay away. My sister-in-law insisted oneday on taking her shopping at the mall....when she threw a tantrum and fell to the floor screaming bloody murder---she had no idea what to do..... no more mall trips.

Our daughter comes home from school all the time and says she wishes someone elses parents were hers. One time we went to an ice skating birthday party and the other childs dad helped her on the ice....after the party I said, 'Gracies daddy sure was nice" she said--"I wish Gracies daddy was my daddy" One night on our way out of a family dinner she told her aunt, "I wish you would adopt me" I all HURTS but, i cannot let it show. EVERYONE else has a better mom and dad.....everyone else has everything better......but, these things are happening less and less often. It is still only 10 months and I realized somewhere around 6 months that she would need so much more time then I do.

By the way the last time I wet the bed my first husband was in it. I was 18 years old. I hd wet the bed everynight of my life. I didn't want to take my wet sheets off either---it was embarrassing. I would have rather pretended it never even hapened. Sometimes I even did -- sometimes I just let them dry and crawled back in..... I couldn't help it.....I tried everything I could to not wet the bed. Soemtimes I stayed awake nearly all night trying not to wet. But around 3 a.m. I fell asleep and woke up wet in the morning, tired and ashamed...... I wish no one had cared about that problem. Or if they cared they would have realized that I tried my best--and then not rub it in my face. I wish my mother would have just changed my sheets for me....... I did that for my birthson who wet to age 11.....I never said a thing about the problem we just looked for ways to help him....but, i always went in his room and stripped his bed and snuck his sheets to the washer. I never said a word to him.....it wouldn't have helped him stop.---I knew that. So I figured whats a mom for but to help him keep his deepest secreat. When he was invited to sleep overs i always took the blame and said it was our rule he had to sleep in his own bed.....I would pick him up from the party befor all the guys started to sleep....and he could tell them i was just an upthight mother....it was the least I could do to help him keep his honor. Most children do not wet the bed on purpose! Who would.....it really hurts no one more then the one who wakes up in it................

Best of luck and I hope you start feelng better--I need to go take advil, my back is still hurting some.