1.) How are you connected to adoption?
-- I'm a birthmom
2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)?
-- Usually I'm so preoccupied with it being Emmie's birthday in November. As another birthmom said, and I feel the same way, I'd rather celebrate the life of my daughter than her adoption. Though, I can see the need for Adoption Month - brings great light to adoption for the older children needing homes.
3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption?
-- Well, I remember finding out my brother's second best friend - a neighborhood kid - was adopted. Me and this kid liked eachother and I was surprised to find out he was adopted. I remember thinking that he must not look like his parents and brother, but that's about it. I was only about eleven or so.
4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child?
-- When I was six, my dad and mom were friends with these people who owned a local greenhouse. They had a daughter who was a year younger than me, named Sarah, and we played together. I remember noticing that she didn't look like her parents -- Sarah had beautiful skin and dark hair ...and I remember my mom telling me that Sarah was native american and she was adopted. I remember having positive feelings about it, and not wondering what happened to Sarah's first parents.
5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed?
-- Yes, a girl named Jen who was very popular. She came back senior year a bit plumper, and rumors were that she'd had a baby during the summer and placed her for adoption. I remember looking at her in Marketing class and wondering the things she'd gone through. I felt very sad for her and noticed that she didn't really fit in with her friends anymore ...like she carried a pain and knowing that was high above anything any of us could understand. I've thought about her through the years, and recently saw her as a waitress at my local Red Lobster -- she wasn't my waitress so I couldn't talk to her, but maybe I'll go back one day and talk to her.
Then another girl too ..Chris ...my best friend and I couldn't stand her and were always almost beating her up (she was a punk and was mouthy, lol) ...well, my best friend ended up being friends with her right after high school and that's when she told me that Chris placed a baby, Matthew, for adoption. I remember feeling discusted only after my best friend said that the adoptive parents paid Chris off with the new cavalier she was driving -- I don't know how, or if it was true ...but I remember feeling yucky about that, like she sold her baby. Then, the birthfather of Chris's son ended up working with me and he always tried to go out with me constantly, but I knew what he was about and always turned him down - even though he was pretty good looking.
4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption?
-- Hmmmm, I know a few members of my family were going to adopt, but nothing ever came of it - so No.
5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they?
-- Well, I remember when I was pregnant with Emily and just about to have her ...I'd already chosen Beth and Jim as parents ..and was still staying at the maternity home. This lady was there and said to me, "That sure is nice of them to let you see the baby" -- she said it with emphsis on the word "nice" and all the while this baby was still in my womb! So I said back, "Well, that sure is nice of me to let them have my baby in the first place" - and she shut up. Kind of snotty, I know ..but hey, I was 19!
-- More recently, a year ago I was working for this lady ... I had been there for a year, so I thought it was safe to tell her about Emily. We were listening to that bMom song by Joni Mitchell (Little Green) so I thought the time was right to tell her. She clammed right up and right away I regretted saying anything. A week later she showed me the coolest doll and I said without thinking that I wanted to get it for Emily and she said, "It's kind of hard to buy something for someone you don't know" - and that hurt so bad, cause on one hand, it was true ...and on the other, it wasn't true -- urgh!
6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently?
-- I'd learn more about the affects of the choice would have on me - I was totally unprepared by all the emotions and how deeply the adoption choice changed me. No one told me that in placing my daughter, I'd alter a part of me. I'm not the same -- every aspect of my life is rendered changed - from motherhood, to marriage, to career choices to friendships.
-- Also, I wouldn't have placed Emily in the hospital, I wish we would have went to my nearby apartment or a church or something - hospitals are so cold and impersonal.
7.) Name a blessing (besides the child him/herself) that has come from adopting or placing?
-- the relationship I've formed with Em's mom
8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child?
-- yes, they have! I am for sure not 'pro-adoption' like I was the first year of my relinquishment ...now I'm pro-child ..whatever is best for the child ...which may mean parenting or placing. I realize that adoption is loss, that each side of the triad faces loss of their own - and my loss isn't more important than another loss. Pain is pain.
9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption?
-- fully open
10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it?
-- trying to find my place and where I fit in - I think I finally feel comfy in my place in my daughter's life. She will be coming to my son's bday party this weekend can I can't wait.
11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it?
-- seeing Emily grow up and change
12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the opposite side of the triad? (If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms)
-- The greatest lesson is learning about the other side's pain and hurts ..their disappointments and viewpoints
13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world?
-- Calling an expectant mom a birthmom before she is - especially when adoption professionals do this! Grrrr! Also the "**" and "our birthmom" thing too -- PM me if you want to know why, lol.
14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not?
-- yes, but from another country - just because I thought from the time I was young I would. Now that I know about open adoptions though, I don't think I could from another country since most international adoptions are closed. Well, will come to that bridge if and when I come to it.
15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not?
-- No! Don't get me started! I went through two and they both were jerks. I'll mention this ...I was abandoned by my adoption agency ...and left to fend for myself. I wasn't even told about the counselling that the aParents had paid for me for after the adoption -- I got nothing! I've had better after care from car dealers than the adoption agency ...the agency whose ad in the phone books says "Birthparents are our priority" - righhhhhht!
The good thing is that it lead me to start helping others and myself in the process.
16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency?
-- Nope. Starting one some century though, lol.
17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting:
-- Again, disappointment in my agency.
18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee:
-- they think I don't want to talk about it, so they often avoid it and I can tell when people are avoiding it.
19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting?
-- My websites, lifemothers.com & Woven Hearts: giftbaskets for birthmoms - fm magazine ... Brenda Romanchik's writing ...my writing, lol ..courtney Frey's writing/book - jim gritter's books - this forum - The Children of Open Adoption - The Ethics of Adoption
20.) Write anything you wish here:
I've said enough!