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Hi Again!
I strongly recommend you read the following two books:
"Holding Time" by Martha Welch
"Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best
You can buy them both at Amazon or check your library.
Holding Time is a technique used to help children vent their anger while you comfort them and reassure them its OK to cry and depend on you. Some people don't like the techniques used, but most people seem to support them. Basically, you hold your child in a cradle position (or any position when you can look into their eyes). Let her cry and scream while you hold her and tell you how much you love her, that she is safe with you, its OK to cry, etc. She will go through stages mentioned in the book, but ulitmately a "resolution" phase where she will relax and mold her body into yours. She will be calm and look into your eyes. Please read the book for more details. We used this for our 23 m old and 33 m old as needed. When your daughter is having a tantrum - I strongly suggest holding time.
The other book is a great resource. It has some scary parts in it, but don't be too concerned. I think you will pick up some very useful ideas in it for your family.
After reading your message, I have a few other suggestions. I would strictly limit contact with your in-laws for the time being. Explain to them how important it is for your daughter's well-being to develop a strong relationship FIRST with you, then your husband, and then them. You are her mother. She is pulling away from you because she is testing your love and devotion for her. You need to be very proactive in helping her firmly attach to you. This is not the time for you to pull away from her. You need to hold her often, play with her, look into her eyes - even if she rejects you.
Typically, PI children were taken care of by many different women. She is running to your husband because she hasn't been disappointed by men in the past. In her mind - you are just another caretaker at this point. You need to prove to her that you are NOT just another caretaker. You are her mother! Does that make sense?
As far as preschool, I wouldn't take her right now. I would solely concentrate on you developing a good relationship with your daughter. On the other hand, if you are stressed and need the break, send her 3 half days per week (or somthing like that). I think the best senario right now would be to keep her home with you full time and then get out in the evenings to recharge your batteries while your husband watches her. I would not send her to a babsitter right now either.
Here are some other ways to help her bond:
Skin to skin contact as much as possible
Rub lotion on her back, arms, and legs after her baths
Rock her in a rocking chair before/after naps and at bedtime
Make sure she takes a nap each day - or at least have a 45 min rest period in her room. This will also give you a break during the day.
Feed her food if she will let you. Give her sweets, but only if she allows you to put it into her mouth.
Always look into her eyes when you talk to her and ask her to do the same.
Cuddle as much as possible.
Read to her.
Don't let her watch TV. You may think this is extreme, but I imagine she is getting overstimulated by it, too. My kids hardly ever watch TV. It can be done!
Fingerpaint together.
Go for long walks and hold hands.
Develop routines. Your daughter needs them and will learn to anticipate what comes next. Very important.
Please stay in touch and let me know how it goes. Don't get discouraged. I know its hard not to! Remember - you need to "teach her" what it means to be a mommy!!
Good luck!
Pat
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