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Lesley,
I realize that the Christian view of forgiveness is different from the faith I was raised in, but it seems to me that your mother hasn't asked for forgiveness or tried to make amends. Therefore you can't possibly forgive her.
As for holidays, I think you are obligated to be polite, as is your mother (even if she can't embrace these children as relations, she should at least be polite and not rude). Would she be rude to strangers who were your friends? If not, then ask her to at least give your children the same level of politeness that she would give to strangers. Her rudeness only serves to diminish her in everyone's eyes.
Actually it occurs to me that one way to keep your mother polite is to invite someone she doesn't know to these events. Your mother might be less rude if there was a witness. Or, invite your or her pastor!
You are under no obligation to subject your children to hurt so if you don't think your mother can behave civilly, then don't invite her. You can tell her that you are honoring her in this way because her bahavior diminishes her and you do not want to see her debase herself like that.
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