I don't know how I got that to print twice last time! I think my computer must have hiccupped because I only hit enter once! LOL
Umm, let's see...our daughter was 7 when we had our first adoptive placement. Before our 26 month old came home with us she was ok with the idea. After all, it was still all theoretical. When our son moved in with us reality hit with a vengence! It was a really tough adjustment for her; and then consequently for for DH and I. She had been an only child for 7 1/2 years, so it was a big change. Her new brother needed lots of "extras", and the adjustment for all of us was stressful.
For instance, he would have tantrums that lasted for 45 minutes, sometimes more. He could not ever be where he could not see me. I didn't go to the bathroom alone or with the door closed for 2 years. He did not want to be held, would not make eye contact and was extremely precise about many, many things. Not picky or finicky, but extremely perfectionistic. He could not transition from one activity to another without lots of preparation beforehand. We could not vary his routines one iota without major tantrumming. Not only was he grieving another transition in a life with too many transitions already, but now we know that DS has alcohol related neurodevelopmental disorder (brain impairment where his brain is not able to process information in an ordered way due to prenatal exposure to alcohol). At the time all we knew was that life suddenly became very hard. We've learned alot, made accomodations in our home and tailored our parenting style for our son, so things didn't stay that way for ever, but it was very difficult to get to where we are now.
There were times that our daughter wanted to go back to the way things were before, when she just wanted to "give him back". This was where I went to God for extra grace, mercy and patience many (!!!) times. I told my daughter that adoption was just as if Brother were born to us. There was no going back, that going forward is part of life that was difficult at times but that is what God has for us to do. We also learned alot about loving your brother. Not just when you want to, not just when your brother loves you back, but even when you are angry, or tired, or he's dragged your things out of your room without your permission.
So her reaction was a mixed bag, but that's what life is. If we'd had a biological child after our first child there would have been this adjustment period, too. We were just jumping in with a new sibling at a different stage of development than a newborn.
I believe that while adoption has been difficult for all of us, it has not been necessarily MORE difficult than having biological children. Children do not come with guarantees whether they are born to you or your adopt them. You deal with things that God brings into your life by going before Him in prayer and living in obedience to the directions He's given as revealed in the Bible.
People seem to think that with adoption you "chose" what kind of child you will be adopting. Sure, you can make preferences known, but the bottom line is that you will have the child that God gives you. This is no different than the child that is born to you. You may have really horrible experiences; does this mean that God is not in those circumstances? I do not believe so. Rather, there are seasons in life that are difficult but these experiences can shape us into the image of Christ more effectively than only seasons of warmth and summer. The difficult times keep you before the Lord, keep His promises most present in your mind and change your perspective totally.
As to how to know if the Lord is leading or not, I can only say what DH and I have done. We've prayed before each decision during our adoption processes. If things aren't working out, we just wait and see where it goes. We go forward until He closes a door. Because we've paved our way with lots of prayer we know that if we go forward it is only with the Lord; if it all shuts down and we aren't matched with a child then we know that is from the Lord, too.
We've turned down opportunities that for some reason we just weren't at peace with. No big glaring red flags or anything, but my husband and I just could not go forward with that particular committee due to a total lack of settledness or peace.
We've gone to committees (the process whereby our state matches children with adoptive families) knowing that we might not be chosen as the family for that child. While we would be disappointed we could rest in knowing that God had a better plan for this child and for us. With the ones we've turned down we just couldn't go forward without reservation, so we chose to not go forward.
This isn't to say that there aren't moments of terror, of gasping breathlessness and wondering "WHAT have we DONE!?", but these are fairly common with parents (bio and adoptive) when the reality of having the responsibility of another child to rear hits home. I remember panicking when the hospital released us to go home with our Dd. Kind of overwhelming! I felt the same thing after our first adoption, after certain foster placements moved in, after our second adoption, etc.
Linny's post makes excellent points that you need to consider, as well. One thing you will need to start thinking about is what kinds of issues your family can and can not handle. One danger people sometimes face is wanting to help a waiting child so much that they forget to keep the children already in their home at the top of the priority list. For us this means that as we adopt more children we have to sometimes narrow down what kinds of issues we can work with; sometimes it has broadened our abilities. You just have to keep adjusting and looking at what your family dynamics are, what the strengths and weaknesses are, etc.
One responsibility you do have is to do your best to educate yourselves (you, your DH and your children in an age appropriate way) regarding older child, special needs adoption. These are different than private infant adoptions (although private adoptions can be special needs, too.
) and the issues that go along with them are often out of the realm of many couple's parenting experience. As you learn more God will direct you where to go and what to do.
There are many books, adoptive parent training classes, forums on this web site, etc. that can give you pointers and get you started in looking at what to prepare for. One book you might start with is "Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best. I suggest this one because it addresses younger-older child adoption. (As in, less than 4 years old but older than an infant.)
You can email me if you wish and I'd be happy to continue writing endlessly long emails.