Originally Posted By
Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Forum, Ask the Experts group
Dear Linda:
Just hold tight. You have to understand that our kids have their own life to live, and a new baby can be very stressful (especially to a young mother).
Something similar happened between my daughter and a couple of times during the early years of our reunion (We are now in reunion 15 years and I have two wonderful granddaughters).
We had such an upheaval that I dashed into therapy hoping to find relief and understanding.
It went that way for a while. I learned to give Susan plenty of space and much as it hurt, I stopped the weekly calls and started writing letters only once a month. I stopped visiting for a couple of years and we communicated via letters (snail mail).
I concentrated on my granddaughters. One was 4 months old when we reunited and the other was born about 2 years after reunion. As they grew i sent books to them that I read on an audio tape. (They loved that ... Grandma Carol read them a bedtime story.) Books became a popular pasttime for both of them. They would scribble and their mommy would tuck the scribbles into an envelope and send them to me. I have file folders full of their craftsmanship. Then came the drawings and then the letters.
My daughter and son in law CAME TO ME, after a couple of years of no visits from me. (they live in Michigan and I'm in Florida). It was VERY difficult for me to stay away, but I realized that I was suffocating them, and they had so much responsibility ... they really didn't need MORE.
I concentrated on Therapy, and was invited to handle the Birthfamily Issues forum for the older (closed) adoptions here on adopting.org ... then I took on the Birthmom's Monday night chats for adopting.org. I have many, many birthmoms in various stages of reunion coming to me, adoptees too.
I help them and they help me.
We support one another and share experiences. You'd be surprised how many of us have struggled with the same experiences and issues. We learn from one another.
Just step back and relax. Your grandbaby will be growing up and you WILL be sharing your grandchild's life. Just let your son and daughter in law become accustomed to their new role as grandparents ... they'll be around.
Don't dwell on the separation ... just remember what it was like not having them in your life and enjoy KNOWING them. They are in your life for keeps. But it takes time and patience to build a history together. He has ALWAYS been a part of YOUR life, but you haven't necessarily been a part of HIS life. He already HAS a Mom and Dad. He doesn't NEED another mother, but they do need a biological Grandma for their children. What you couldn't (and can't) have with him, you will be able to have with your grandchildren.
Believe me, Linda. I've BEEN THERE ... I've DONE THAT. I have survived and my relationship with my daughter, her husband and children and her A-family have improved tremendously.
I am a PART of her life, and that is what is important.
She is my only child. I never married and never had other children. She is my life and they are all my love.
Please, stop beating yourself up and understand that this is all a part of the recovery process. It moves slowly, but it IS moving. How lucky we are to know our children -- we were told we would never know them.
Let the reunion unfold as it is meant to unfold. Don't push, don't cry, just learn. Do a lot of reading on adoption and reunion ... Check our library
http://www.adopting.org/readroom.html for articles on reunion and recovery, and stories of reunions. It helps to read about other birthmom's experiences.
Read the top ten steps to a successful Reunion at
http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html. Read about the problems Adoptees have growing up. Understand what their issues are.
And, come to our Chats and Vent all you want. The birthmom chat is in the Birthfamily Chat Room and is on Monday nights beginning 8 PM EST .. running to around 11 EST. On Wednesday nights we have a REUNION CHAT that comes from California. It starts at 10 PM EST and is moderated by Sabra...although I'm starting it around 8 EST for people on the East Coast until Sabra comes on at 10 EST. Reunion chat is in the Reunion Chat Room.
We also have a Rejected Reunion Chat that we all pop in on ... That's around 9 PM EST on Friday nights in the Rejected Reunion Chatroom.
To get to the chats just go to
http://www.adopting.org/chats.html
Don't fret ... get busy and prepare to be a good Grandma.
Hugs, Carol.
Feel free to write whenever you have a need.