[Jensboys]

I am an adoptive parent but also run an adoptive parent support group. I also know some birthparents who have placed in a relative placement, and aparents parenting a relative placement. I will be honest here and hope I dont offend....

Most times it doesnt work. Sometimes the reason is that the adoptive parents wouldnt of otherwise considered adoption except that "so-and so" was having a crisis pregnancy and this seemed a solution. In those cases, adoption is foreign as is the issues that come up with it. Because of that, boundaries arent respected, roles are confused, emotions are unexpected and lives can be ruined.

Secondly, if you werent comfortable in the first place with a totally open, "integrated" adoption with a stranger, how are you going to feel knowing that EVERY Christmas, EVERY thanksgiving, EVERY special event where aunts and unles would normally be, that your child's birthparent will be there. Are you preapred to deal with feelings of jealousy, of possessiveness, of unworthiness, of fear. Are you prepared to know that the REALITY is that for the majority of the family, they will always view the birthmother/father as the childs parent, even if they fully accept you as the adoptive parent. Are you prepared to experience the inevitable grief, loss, and anger that the birthparent will go through up close and personal? Are you prepared, if unable to deal with those emotions, to close the adoption and tear apart your family?

Thirdly, because everyone is so "close" sometimes the emotions that NORMALLY follow an open adoption placement overwhelm and destroy those relationships. There is no opportunity within family to "get perspective" or see the person outside that past relationship. Boundaries in the best of families are fuzzy sometimes -- introduce a child that everyone loves, everyone is possessive of and you have a recipe for disaster if proper steps arent taken.

Steps to take: Seek Counsel. Both together and apart. Even if the parent DOES not choose adoption, deal with the emotions of how you might feel seeing that baby every holiday for teh rest of her life, knowing she might have been your child. Think of the birth parents perspective as well.

Establish some guidelines, and understand that you will need to review, reevaluate and reestablish them as the child grows. Does the birthmom want to be at every birthday party? What about school events? What will she be called? What will her other children be referred to as? Do the grandparent roles change? Can the other relatives be educated about adoption? How often are you going to talk on the phone about the child, exchange pictures? What about if the emotions get to hard after placement ... how often are the absolute bottom guidelines for contact set ... meaning how often as a MINIMUM will you send pics etc...

Good Luck!