[lisa93]

Carrington,

My experience has been similar to yours. I gave birth to my daughter November 2001. I relinquished staight after. No body knows about her (apart from my boyfriend!) When i came back to work (i'd been off 'sick') i discovered that one of my close collegues whom i work with directly was gonna be a daddy! I also know his partner quite well, she works with us too. It had only been a month since i came out of the hospital feeling completely empty!!! I was distraught, depressed, crying all the time, forgetful at work etc.. My collegue began to get annoyed with me as i couldn't even do the simplest of tasks, i was so distracted!!!

Anyway, the next year, his daughter was born. He would constantly bring her in to work. He would ask me to feed her and look after her when he had stuff to do....Once again, i fell into a pit of dispair. I barely talked to him about his daughter when everyone else would coo and go wobbly for her.

Eventually, on a drunken evening out, i told the mother my secret. Since then she has been great. She thinks i should tell her boyfriend but i'm not ready for that. The mother talks to me about pregnancy experiences, something i've never been able to talk about before. I even enjoy seeing their daughter now. In a way, the mother has helped me cope with what i have done.

Anyway, i don't really know what to advise. All i know is that i went through hell and back twice, once when i relinquished my daughter and again when the raw feelings were grated with the parenthood of my collegue. But now, i feel a lot better, i'm glad that i stuck through it (though it was hard) and that i didn't just run away from my life screaming.

good luck and may peace be with you

lisa x