[BMTexas]

Carrington,

Tough situations are going to make the healing process slower, or it might make relinquishment much more difficult.

The year after I relinquished I started working at a hospital. The senior petty officer (military, U.S.N.) was wise
*not* to put me on the maternity ward where I would be around dozens of women giving birth every week and newborn babies everywhere. I guess he
sensed something amiss and /or knew of the adoption from reading my mediacal records because when I asked to be placed on the maternity ward, I was denied that placement (even though they had the opening) and sent
to the medical surgery/internal medicine ward instead . And I really wanted to work on the maternity ward, but I guess it wasn't best for me at that time, having relinquished just over a year before. But now, 15 yrs. later, I'm studying midwifery and writing about my birthmother experience. God knows,
he may have some work for me in this ministry. We shall see.

I know you have made a committment to these children, but you have also made a committment to these parents (if adoption hasn't taken place). If they are paying medical expenses your already in too deep, unless you all have an understanding that you can withdraw anytime and change your mind
and have agreed to that. If that is so, and part of the agreement, I would seriously *really* think about keeping your baby. It sounds like you have some deep maternal feelings already, and it will get worse as birth approaches.

If it is too late and you have already given birth/relinquished or your too far along in the agreement for it to be fair to go back, I would *seriously* consider changing your occupation (temporarily) for at least two yrs., if it is causing you the emotional upset you say it is, or see if the school you are working for might have an opening in *another department* that doesn't have much to do with babies, birth, or pregnant women.
You owe it to your students to be the best teacher you can be; physically ,mentaly, *and* emotionaly; But if you can't do that, and are getting upset, or can't consentrate or do your job well, it makes it difficult for everyone, and people just won't understand.
Only someone in your shoes will understand, but most everyone won't.
You can come back to this kind of work later in life, when you have fully recovered from this painful trauma.

Also, I would definately talk to your employer, manager, or supervisor about
your situation and see what they say.

Sincerely,
Rhonda,
birthmother for 15 yrs.