[phder]

Well, I've had some doosies (but nothing compared to Sam_I_Am!), and, somehow, I managed to escape (or run) before actually getting to the alter every time (engaged 4 times, married at the moment). Every time it was me (more or less) that ditched, but every time, I think the reasons were valid and it was more a case of trying to please others and being afraid to disappoint them. First one was a mathematician from Greenwich Village, oh, and did I mention, a pathological liar! My college roomate conspired with my family to stage an 'íntervention' where the lies became impossible to hide and boy - what a mess. I was also suffering from depression at the time anyway, which my AParents refused to acknowledge or have treated, so the whole period is a phase I'd rather forget. Second one was more complicated. I loved him, liked him, vice-versa, nice guy, went out for 3 years then got engaged. It became a bit of a distance-relationship when I went to grad school, and I met someone new who seemed more exciting - smarter - more worldly, and I had decided I didn't want children, which my fiance did. Used that as the excuse to break up. I still miss/think about him once in a while and always will wonder if it was a case of just being afraid and running away. I have never met anyone else that I enjoyed simply talking to/being with as much as him. The guy in grad school was number 3. We went out/lived together for 5 years and as I became more confident and independent, he became more abusive. At first emotional, verbal abuse, then when he'd have a little too much to drink, I started to fear physical abuse. One day it happened - he threw me against the wall and hit me. Fortunately, I'd developed some good friends that helped me have the courage to leave. What kept me from leaving sooner was that we were seen by many on the outside as the 'perfect couple', including (I thought) my parents. Only after I left him (about 3 months before the wedding date, with all the plans in place), did they say anything about not liking how he treated me. Thought I'd finally gotten out of the cycle then, and dated a lot of guys of all sorts and felt like I had the sense to know what I needed for me. Found a guy that I really enjoyed being with, had lots in common, both independent professionals and seemed to click together. That lasted about a year until I discovered he was using cocaine (tried to get him to quit - duh), but at least I realized it was a deal-breaker and left without looking back or having any regrets. That brings us up to my marriage, of 15 yrs and still going. Is it perfect? No. A lot of $hit has happened. He's been there. But, he's 17yrs older than I am and in a very different place, not only because of the age but because of the kind of person he has chosen to become. I am beginning to feel very strongly that I need to be with someone I can have fun with. That I deserve that. But that I also owe him for some reason. So, my story continues and I don't know where things will be a year from now. Looks like I still don't have the answer. I am fairly sure that a big part of the reason I haven't left already is fear of upsetting family members, friends etc., so it looks like I still haven't gotten past the 'need to please' thing. But there's more to it. So I guess I am just as interested in the replies to your posts as you are!
cheers to all,