Quote:
Originally posted by N.C.
...I'm fighting the urge to tell her to go away, to refuse her the chance of abandoning me again...
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N.C. is on to something here. I also think that those who have cited that the adoptee doesn't want to hurt their afamily are onto something, but I know both of these go beyond that, at least they do for me.
When it comes to the issue of meeting b-family (particularly bmother), it's not just wanting to deny them the power to abandon again, but that by meeting them there is the fact that it makes the initial abandonment that much more real and of finally admitting just how devastating the relinquishment was for the adoptee.
I suggest everyone in the triad read
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. I think there is some controversy over her assertion that the baby is well aware of the loss of the mother and grieving such, but I can't stress enough that her desciption of the feelings and actions that accompany this event described me to a T and it was the first time I didn't feel alone in my life - ever.
THEN, there is the issue of "do I really want to meet her - because when I was at my most pure, she rejected me. Now I'm (insert human characteristic here) and she's sure to reject me again," the dreaded 2nd rejection.
And, as for the afamily thing. Remember that the typical adoptee feels unworthy. No matter how much love the afamily shows, there is the voice in the back of the head that warns that no matter how much "they" love you - they might leave you. To seek out bmom (or family) or even allow contact would surely be something that would set such an even in motion - it seems so ungrateful.
When my amom asked me if I ever thought about my birth mother, I answered in the negative and changed the topic as quick as humanly possible. I knew for sure that if we dwelled on this topic, she would certainly see the pain that even I had trouble admitting to myself.
The adult in me can completely understand the possible reasons my bmom might have for relinquishing me, but the child in me will always feel abandoned. It's trying to get this feeling child and rational adult communicating that allows the healing - in my opinion.
I realize that my talk in this post has been very frank. I know that when we are "brutally honest" we tend to be more brutal than honest, but please know that what I have shared here is in no way intended to spread pain - far from it. I wish only to aid you bmoms in your understanding and healing. You are all wonderful for going through your pregnancy and giving life to your child, and to their afamilies. I wish I could somehow remove your suffering, as I know you wish the same for me.
Thank you all for sharing, and I hope that in some small way I have helped you to understand how the adoptee MIGHT be feeling - because as it was shared early in this thread, we're all different.
Sincerely,
Eric born 10/9/1965 in New Orleans (VOA)
ISO BMOM from Arkansas