[shirleyville]

Boy, do I understand that feeling of having things change on you 100% after you locate your birthfamily!
I felt SO different about things back when I made the decision to hire my CI!! I was sure ......100% sure ....that by using a CI, I was doing the right thing -- it was "legal" and "above board". I was sure that if she didn't want contact, that I would be okay with that. I was positive that I was "cool" with it if she didn't want to tell her children about me. After I learned that she didn't want contact, I was so sure I wanted to respect her privacy and issues. You couldn't have changed my mind on ANY of those issues.
It took a few weeks after she denied contact before I started to change.....I started looking for her myself. Even then, it was like "if I just find her....if I could only know where she is, I will be happy with that....
Then, once I found her, and realized that I KNEW members of my birthfamily, and that she was living 10 minutes from me, it was a whole other mindset.
Then, once I saw one picture, I wanted to see MORE ....then I wanted to see her house .....now, I want to see HER.
I thought that if I just knew a little about her -- about my family -- I would be satisfied, but now, I'm not. I want to know everything !!
I thought my siblings didn't matter to me....but now , they do.
I've described it on other threads like having raging PMS and thinking to yourself that if you could only have one little sliver of chocolate, you would feel better. Then, all of the sudden, someone comes in with a whole cake and sets it in front of you -- takes out a knife and serves you one little sliver . You munch it ravenously and reach for another.....but a hand stops you. "But I want another piece!!" "NO! You can't have any more!" "But why? There's a whole cake right here!" "But you SAID you only wanted one sliver -- and one sliver is all you get!"
I have the whole cake right down the road, and now, I can't have it! It changes your whole perspective once you find out who they are....that they are alive....and they want nothing to do with you. Everything suddenly becomes very real and very tangible. Before all of this, the concept of my birthmother, and my birthfamily was just that -- a concept. Now, they are very real people....living very real lives....right in my own back yard.
I thought the CI things was such a great idea....until my birthmom said NO, and I never even got to hear her voice for myself, or say any of the things I wanted to say. If I had done it myself, I would have at least gotten to hear her.
I dunno....it's a hard road -- that's for sure!
You never really know what it's going to be like until you are in it!
Hugs,
Sally