Thanks for sharing your story and for your encouraging words I am happy that you have found your birth mother! Your instincts are 'right on' though (I think) about not bringing up that very important part of yourself just yet. I have to refer an excellent book for you to read (I wish that I had had it in '88 before I began my active search). It is called "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide." It was published in 2001 (so, I couldn't have had it in 1988 anyway...) and the authors are Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens. The Dewey Decimal number is: 362.8298 0973 BAI. I know that everyone has a book these days to recommend, and I do not normally recommend reading material, but I think that you will find this to be a quick, yet highly relevant 'read'. I am sorry to hear about the situation with you and your brother. One of my greatest joys in my life is my sister (also adopted from a different birth family, though she has not yet searched). It is unfortunate that your brother's wife has insinuated herself into your family of origin, moreso that your mother would allow that to happen. I am certainly no psychologist - and that is good news perhaps, for those who might, at one time or another, need one - but I think that your adoptive mom might be upset because SHE HERSELF could not bear children. There is a certain amount of investment that adoptive mothers have in their daughters, much of which, I think includes the adopted daughter fulfilling the unspoken obligation to reproduce on the adoptive mothers' behalf. My sister has a daughter and is expecting another child this autumn. Strangely enough my adoptive mother began to 'pull away' from my sister at about the same time that my sister's first child was the same age that my sister was when my mother adopted her. Of course, as I mentioned above, I am beyond grateful to have an adult relationship with my sister -- we love to chat about 'the adoptive family' wherein we grew up (immediate, and extended). Just this past year I have developed an awareness that our adoptive family was but four lonely strangers living under one roof. Maybe this experience is not atypical - despite the facade of family, an adoptive family is quite different from the dominant 'nuclear' family form that has emerged as the North American norm during the latter half of the last century. One would - at the very least - expect one's adoptive parents and siblings to be cognizant of that very basic fact and therefore not implicitly judge other non-biological family arrangements. Indeed, I felt a vivacity and vitality shine through your words when you spoke of your current family - a ten year wedding anniversary these days is really rather rare indeed (whatever the sexual orientation(s) of the people involved). Congrats! Thank you again for your thoughtful and emotionally generous response to my posting. I look forward to seeing you online, or hearing from you through e-mail soon,
connor-