Originally Posted By
Carol Bird, Birthfamily Support Forum, adopting.org
How difficult it must be for you to carry the weight of this secret for so long a time, and how sad for your A Mom that she doesn't realize the terrible burden she has laid on you by not being more open to and accepting of reality.
The more I read of problems like this, the deeper my love for my daughter's Mom grows. I know she isn't UNIQUE, because I've come across many Adoptive Parents who, like her, have no fear of sharing or losing their child, and easily form a good relationship with the birthparents.
My daughter and I reunited in 1986 ... both of my granddaughters have grown up knowing me (the oldest was just five months old at reunion). My daughter's parents never hesitated in acceptance of me. In fact, they have encouraged the relationship. My granddaughters know all about the relationships (who I am, etc.) and they actually boast of having THREE grandmothers.
Your Mom needs some support. There are a couple of books that might help prepare her ... BIRTHBOND is one (more info on books in our library at
http://www.adopting.org
There are a couple of articles you can print out from our reading room (
http://www.adopting.org/readroom.html) that you might leave where your Mom can find them.
IDENTITY CRISIS YEARS about the young adoptee growing up and some of the insecurities that pop up.
http://www.adopting.org/Identity.html
ISSUES FACING ADULT ADOPTEES is about NOW .. and can be helpful in making her understand what your needs are
http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html
ORPHANS & WARRIORS may be of interest to you, but I'm not certain how it would effect her.
http://www.adopting.org/DPOrphan.html
Dr. Marlou Russell, a reunited adoptee and a psychologist/family therapist, hosts our Expert Adoptee Issues Forum (
http://www.adopting.org/supports.html) and can offer you some ideas on how to approach the issue with your Mom.
Marlou has written an article on REUNION ISSUES,
http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html.
You might look in on the Scheduled Adoptee Issues Chat Thursday nights from 10 PM EST (7 pm Pacific) (
http://community.chatspace.com/go.as...=/105-0191-066
or
http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/room...m?room=Adoptee
You might benefit from the opinions of other adoptees and a and b moms.
Secrets only cause pain. Your A mom is insecure and she needs to be convinced that your love for her is strong and lasting ... AND that there's enough love to spread around a thousandfold. On learning that your Bmom found you THIRTEEN YEARS AGO, and you've had a relationship all these years, without dampening your relationship with your family, your Mom should be very receptive. (Frankly, I would lay a bet that she already suspects you know your bfamily.)
Good luck and God guide you.
Hugs, Carol Bird, Birthmom reunited with daughter 14 years
Expert Birthfamily Issues Support Forum for Traditional Adoptions older than five years.
http://www.adopting.org/supports.html